Iranian Speedboats Versus American Heavy Cruisers

Comparing an Aegis class United States Navy cruiser to an Iranian patrol boat is like comparing one of those cute little mini cars from a Shriner’s parade to an M1 Abrams tank. If things get a little hairy the little mini car’s best defense is to get away as fast as possible. So would be the strategy of the Iranian fiberglass hulled speed boat against an American cruiser with an eight inch thick steel plated hull. Pack the Iranian boat with explosives and it might have a chance to do some damage before it blows itself to bits. But chances are pretty good if anything serious starts to go down the Iranians aren’t going to be around to talk about it. The Aegis can shoot butterflies out of the sky a thousand miles away. Any threat from an Iranian boat and those sailors will be kissing their ass goodbye. If they insist on attacking their best bet would be to make all friendly in order to get right next to the bigger ship in order to trigger some kind of self destruct packed with explosives. The last thing they’d do would get on the radio and say something stupid like, we are coming after you!

Last week the pentagon released a video tape showing how the poor warships of the United States were desperately and dangerously harassed by the Iranians. The boats were supposedly darting around and a menacing voice crackled over the radio, “I am coming to you. You will explode after minutes.” The voice sounded like it was lifted straight off of the movie “Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby” featuring Will Farrell. The accent didn’t even sound Iranian. But this is the pentagon’s story and they are sticking to it. The video showed the Iranians dumped some boxes into the water and then sped off. Obviously these people, with their box dumping and all, are too dangerous to be allowed to escape the full might of the American military.

However, the Iranian foreign ministry said the incident was routine and normal. They called the American video a fabrication. Thursday, they released their own video on Iran’s English-language satellite channel, Press TV. The Iranians radioed the navy warships to identify themselves. The American cruiser complied. A few more communications were exchanged. And then the incident was over. The Iranian video showed no hint of confrontation. Instead, the video shows an Iranian Revolutionary Guard sailor standing on a small boat, radioing the Americans and receiving a standard reply.

Somebody isn’t telling the truth here. The Pentagon called the Iranian behavior provocative. The chairmen of the joints chiefs of staff, Admiral Mike Mullen, said Friday that the incident may signal a new aggressive strategy by the Iranians in international waters. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said, “I think what concerned us was first, the fact that there were five of these boats, and second, that they came as close as they did to our ships and behaved in what appeared to be a pretty aggressive manner.” Gates dismissed the Iranians saying the United States is more credible. Just forget about the weapons of mass destruction, the yellowcake uranium, the Iraqi war would pay for itself, the al Qaeda connection to Iraq, Iraq was an imminent threat, Iran was trying to develop nuclear weapons, Dick Chaney didn’t know anything about the outing of Valerie Plame, protecting the environment, global warming, the Easter Bunny, etc.

A retired United States Navy admiral suggested that the authenticity of the Iranian tape could be verified by comparing the radio transmissions with those recorded by the Americans. We are going to trust the recording from the American’s with the “I am coming for you” dubbing to be fair and impartial. Such a method of verification is akin to asking a racist or anyone else with a strong white mindset to verify the authenticity of the claim that the black community is being subjugated by the dominant white corporate culture. Anything remotely identifiable as impartial and fair just isn’t going to happen.

What happened in the Strait of Hormuz is clearly a serious event, and one that should beg attention from the entire world. The Bush administration has been looking for any excuse possible to justify an altercation with the Iranians. It definitely looks like they are still fishing for a fight.

Like they did when Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad came to New York, New York the television pundits have come out heavily criticizing the Iranians and the foolhardy behavior. Television experts are on record talking about the dangers of these speedboats. After what happened to the USS Cole no one can take these threatening gestures lightly. Those dinghies were visibly menacing and posing a reckless and dangerous threat to vessels that were thousands and thousands of times their size. It was enough to make me shudder.

But that should be enough talk about those foolish Iranians. Let’s get back to those Shriners who keep menacing those M1 Abrams tank. The pentagon just released another video. “We are coming for you G. I. Joe.” Those damn menacing mini cars!