It's about our community and our spirituality!

White Woman Married To Black Man…


Forget “black communities” and “white communities!” Have you ever even considered the fact that two people might be IN LOVE?! Of course I notice he’s a black man and of couse he notices I’m a white woman. Our backgrounds and upbringings are so incredibly different but that makes the relationship awesomely interesting. Our daughter is going to have the best of both worlds sice we are both incredibly close with one anothers families. Nobody but hippie RACISTS think about “weakening the black and white communities”. . . come on man it’s the year 2009. I’m not stupid, I know there are racists out there but if someone is racist they aren’t going to be in a relationship with someone of a different race just to “weaken” the other race. hahaha I’m sorry I just have to laugh about this because of how obsurd it is that you think that peoples motive when they participate in an interratial relationship is to weaken it or that they even think about that. Every black mans goal is not to bring up “strong black children.” Some men like my husband want to bring up strong, wonderful, smart human beings that are just that. . . HUMAN BEINGS! Get a grip.


Thanks for the feedback whitewomanmarriedtoblackman,

You may not be stupid.  Although I have begun to develop an impression of you, I really don’t know if you are stupid or not.  But one thing I do know for sure is that you are incredibly naive to think that the black community is not weakened by black people who abandon it so quickly and easily.  I know nothing about your relationship with your black husband and I won’t pretend to know by trying to pigeonhole the two of you into the stereotypical black/white relationship.  I would like to believe that the two of you share equally in a healthy relationship that respects each other’s culture and history.  But all too often, black people who enter into interracial relationships are quick to kick their black community to the curb.

I don’t know for sure if you’re stupid or not, but I will have to question your intellect if you think my supposition is that racist are getting with black people for the sole purpose of weakening the black community.  That doesn’t even make sense to me and I wonder if you’re even bothering to read anything I write or to think about what is written with an unprejudiced perspective.

But one thing I will say is that many, and please note that does not mean all, white people who date people in the black community are enablers who are quick to encourage black people to transcend their race and join the racially generic dominant community that is predominantly white and abandon or minimize any connection or affiliation to the black community.  There was a time where black people who dated white people remained proud of their black heritage.  Now, black people who date exclusively outside the black community could not care any less about the black community.  Any association with the black community is at best superficial.

A lot of children who come from an interracial relationship where one of the parents is obviously black and another parent is obviously white don’t want to be affiliated with the black community.  Being black is perceived as some kind of anathema.  I can only guess that in this obviously mixed relationship, the parents fail to give the child any positive connection to the black community.  The child’s perspective of the black community will be shaped by a society that obviously thinks black people are of lesser value.

I remember not too long ago my woman was having this same type of exchange with a man from the black community and a woman from the white community who swore on their children’s heads that they were a loving interracial couple without a single hang up and were respectful of each other’s racial identity.  They referred to the black man as being brown skinned while the white woman was free to be white.  The man scoffed at the idea of being black because if you looked at him his skin was not black, it was brown.  When asked was the woman’s skin actually white and why they didn’t use a more accurate description for her pigmentation, the couple hemmed and hawed about how it didn’t really matter how they referred to each other.  This was a perfect example of the double racial standard that they were more than happy to live with.  Their alleged mutual respect was nothing more than the black man acquiescing to the dominant community way of life and his black community affiliation was rejected in favor of a more racially generic lifestyle that tends to point the finger at black people for saying anything about the continuing racial animosity in this country.

All too often black people looking for interracial relationships or a relationship with someone other than black are black people who have hang ups about their own blackness.  People who fall in love with people who just so happen to be on opposing sides of the racial divide are not the subject here.  Who am I to stand in the way of true love?

But brothers and sisters whose love for non blacks is inspired by a hatred of self or a hatred of the black community should not be given a pass simply because they find a willing collaborator as an excuse to leave the black community behind.  And you are absolutely correct. There are a lot of black people who have absolutely zero interest in raising children with a strong black affiliation. That happens to be the exact phenomenon which leads to a weaker black community and a strong racially generic community that heavily favors white privilege. I believe most people express the obviousness of something like this as, “DUH!”

Lastly, you find my position absurd.  I’m not surprised and the feeling is mutual.  I find many people from the racially generic dominant community like you absurd as well.  But while you are free to laugh because you believe the impact to you and yours is rather limited, the black community is in trouble.  By every social measure the black community suffers the shitty end of comparison.  Whether it is health care, employment, education, wealth, justice, representation or whatever you wish to use as a measure, the black community always comes up short.  Some of us don’t have the luxury of simply forgetting who comes from the black community and who comes from the white community.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 Posted by | African Americans, Black Community, Black Culture, Black Men, Black People, Interracial Relationships, Life, Racism, Thoughts | 40 Comments

SBF Looking For SWM (SBM Need Not Apply)


I have a love of cars that keeps me looking through the classified section of the local paper looking to see what people are charging for new cars these days.  The other day I was looking at the paper and was surprised to see a version of the Nissan Versa going for something ridiculous like nine thousand dollars, about the same price as a Hyundai Elantra.  Although I would loathe buying either one, their prices are so low that I really couldn’t justify spending another six thousand on a fifteen thousand dollar Honda Fit.  It seems the little Honda is recession proof.

At the end of the automobile classifieds was the Dating Page.  Each ad was done in big bold print in order to fill the entire page.  While the regular classified would have a font size of about six, the page of people seeking relationships looked like it had a font size of about fourteen.  It appears that the newspaper advertising for dates is dwindling in this part of the country but the newspaper insist on filling the page, if not with more ads then with bigger ads.  The extra large font and bold print caught my eye and before I realized what I was doing I was reading the Dating Page.

There was one ad in particular that caught my eye.  A single black woman was looking for a single white male for a long term relationship, black men need not apply.  Although it was expected, nevertheless I was disappointed to see a black woman spending good money to find a relationship specifically with a white man.  I saved the Dating Page to the dismay of my partner.  Ms. Peacemaker wanted to know why I was bothering to look.  I wasn’t it’s just that this page caught my eye.

So why are you bothering to save it?
There’s this one ad from a single black woman looking for single white guy.  I thought I wanted to do an article about it.
So when are you doing this article?
I’ll write it as soon as I can.
Look, if you have something to say to me why don’t you just come out with it and stop doing this sneaky shit?
Hey, if I was trying to sneak I certainly wouldn’t leave the paper lying around like that.  And even if I did I wouldn’t tell you, at least not yet.

For some reason or another she didn’t find that last part funny.  That conversation was a few weeks ago.  I’m just now getting around to writing.

I don’t fault black people for dating outside our race.  A lot of men are attracted to women of various races.  A lot of women are attracted to men of various races.  But I am always saddened to see black people who simply refuse to date their own.  I know a lot of black people will say that the number of good black people to develop a solid relationship is so dismal that they have to go outside the black community or run the risk of not dating at all.  That’s just one of the reasons why black people have to make sure we stipulate that other black people need not apply.  The other reasons black people date exclusively outside our race is a learned dislike for black people as potential relationship partners.

And by what measure are black people considered inadequate candidates for other black people?  I remember seeing a black man complaining that there was not a single black women who shared his interest that he wanted to have a relationship with.  What was his interest?  The black man wanted a woman who could discuss things in detail such as the television show Friends.  Having an in depth knowledge of the characters on this show that seldom showed a black person in the background, let alone a substantial guess character, disqualified black women to the point he had to date outside his race.

The single black person that is interested in only single white people has given up on the black community.  There is no interest in helping to keep the black community strong.  There is no interest in helping the black community survive.  There is no interest in raising black children who are strong in their black identity to help assure the future of the black community.  The way some black people act the hooded wooded spotted owl of the Amazon basin has a better chance for a future than the black community.

Interracial relationships that happen as the result of a random act of circumstances are one thing.  Two people from the opposite sides of the racial track that can manage to develop a relationship despite their differences can be a wonderful thing as long as care is taken to respect each other as honest equals.  Too often I’ve seen a situation where someone of obvious African descent will downplay their association with the black community by referring to their self as brown or interracial or biracial or multiracial or mocha or cocoa colored or anything else that might not be so black.  But the same person will not hesitate to recognize their white partner as a fully fledged member of the white community.  White people in an interracial relationship never refer to themselves as peachy or creamed or pink or rosy.  But then again it isn’t very often a white person suffers from an association with the white community.

Black people who want to date exclusively outside the black community do themselves, their ancestors, and their future descendant, if they are lucky enough to have any, a serious disservice.  For every black person that works specifically to develop a relationship with anyone other than another black person, the black community will simply have to exist with one less black person to help in the effort to end this racial disparity.  It is unfortunate, but the black community will do better without people who want to undermine what it means to be black.

Friday, December 19, 2008 Posted by | Black Community, Black Men, Black People, Black Women, Interracial Relationships, Life, Thoughts | 15 Comments

Why Point Out Blackness?

Venus and Boyfriend

“May I just ask one fundamental question? Why are you equating Venus winning in tennis to race? Sure, she is a very successful black, female tennis player, but why even bother stating her race? Surely, she is a fantastic player, be she Black, White, Hispanic or whatever, why does it matter! I’m a proud black male, and just hate the fact people like you seem to be pointing flaws in equality these days. People are people my friend, ignore the color of skin and treat as you would like to be treated. By you pointing out flaws in equality, calling all white men racists, surely, aren’t you as bad as them? Please, lay off the preaching, and don’t expect a reply, I doubt I will visit this website ever again.” – Adam, a blog visitor in Amsterdam

So goes the latest comment to my blog in response to my article titled Call Me Anything But Black. I know a lot of people insist on thinking Ms. Williams isn’t black. A lot of people are comfortable thinking that many of our black celebrities aren’t actually black but some kind of amalgamation of humanity that defies description. When someone reminds people of the obvious, that Ms. Williams as well as her sister are in fact black people, people get offended on her behalf. Why is it necessary to remind people that she is black? Well, maybe it’s because she just so happens to be black and people have a tendency to overlook it. Why is it such a problem for black Adam, and other people, to hear that Ms. Williams is who or what she is?

Being black is not a curse or something to be ashamed of. Pointing out that other people are black is not some kind of insult I need to apologize for. Whether or not people want to acknowledge her as a black woman doesn’t hide the fact that she is a black woman. It is who she is. As a black man, I would expect the same courtesy. I would want people to respect me and acknowledge me as a black man. For someone to come up to me and say something like “when I see you I don’t see a black man” is not a compliment. If you don’t see a black man when you look at me then what do you see, a white man? If people don’t notice the fact that I’m black means either that I’m not doing something right or that people who refuse to recognize that I’m black are doing something wrong.

Does it matter that I’m black? It shouldn’t. But it does to so many people. A lot of people will see me, a black man, and reflect back on the stereotypical training that they’ve received from the various media sources all of their lives. This overt and subtle programming says that black people with dreadlocks are more likely to be gang bangers than talented or educated people who can be an asset to most any company. Therefore, when I go to find a job, as a black man, I have to contend with racial stereotypes that prevent me from being hired.

In order to counter this constant and consistent bombardment of negative stereotypes associated with being black, it would benefit black people to point to and focus on our black athletes and celebrities as role models for our children and for other people in the black community as well. However, instead of black celebrities contributing to the enrichment of the black community, they work hard to distance themselves from their blackness in favor of embracing a more racially generic persona. It should be obvious that black celebrities such as Venus Williams are guilty of this behavior.

What is truly ironic is to watch one of the more celebrated tennis tournaments when one of the Williams sisters plays. The crowd for these tennis matches, which is always overwhelmingly predominantly white, will give the white opponents standing ovations for beating Venus or Serena. The hostility in these environments for the Williams is close to being so real it’s tangible. But Venus and Serena will ignore the obvious lack of compassion from the fans and just chalk it all up to nothing more than a part of the game of people choosing their favorite.

Is the fact that Ms. Williams would like to dump her affiliation with the black community a flaw in Ms. Williams’ character? I think so. I’ve already made this point in the other article. The fact that other black people come to my blog and are so pained to read my opinion about black celebrities being black is just more irony. Would I like it if somebody were to point to me and call me black and say I should do my best to affiliate myself with the black community? In all honesty I must confess that I wouldn’t like it. I would have to admit that I would love it, especially if I was going down a path that required somebody to set me, a black man who was trying to downplay my blackness, straight.

And as far as calling all white men racist I will beg to differ. Not all white people are racist. If I’ve led people to believe that I think that all white people are racist I’ll have to do better in the future. Everybody shares some form of prejudice. All of us have food preferences. All of us have people preferences. The problem comes when we allow our preferences to influence our choices to a point where diversity suffers. I have seen too many all white business environments or corporate environments where the black to white ratio is akin to a raisin in the sun to believe this happens by accident. Yes white people are racist. Does this mean all white people are racist? Not at all. I have worked with a number of white people who were willing to give me an opportunity.

Does this make me a racist? I will admit I have my own prejudices. But would I allow my prejudices to influence me to contribute to the subjugation of a race of people? I know for a fact it wouldn’t. If I ever get the chance to influence who gets hired and fired at a Fortune 500 company I seriously doubt if I’ll throw all the white applicant resumes in the trash or write memos of rejection referring to somebody as trailer park dude (see Ghetto Dudes Need Jobs Too to understand the reference).

And finally black Adam, you doubt that you will ever come back to my blog. I am really torn to hear that. And to think we just met when? Has it really been never? Shame.

Monday, November 12, 2007 Posted by | African Americans, Black Community, Black Culture, Interracial Relationships, Life, Philosophy, Thoughts, Venus Williams | 3 Comments

The Expense of Assimilation On the Black Community


Black people who make the choice to pursue an interracial relationship should be aware of the choices they make for themselves and for their future generations. Black people who makes the choice not to pursue the development of a long term relationship with someone of obvious black heritage in order to pursue someone of another race cannot possibly be taken seriously as someone who wishes to keep the black community strong. This is not meant as an insult or a put down or anything negative. It is merely a manifestation of the priorities they have made for themselves.

A black man or woman who chooses a non-black person as their life partner is misguided to believe that the non-black person would be the best candidate for developing strong black children. I am not saying that it would be impossible for non-blacks to raise strong black children.  But, the black person who is developing an interracial relationship is actually planning for interracial children with an interracial identity that in all likelihood would be more apt to identify more with the dominate culture that exist between the two parents. With so much of our American culture controlled by white people, the black person who makes the choice to be in a relationship with a white person is making the choice to try and conform to the dominating white culture and to perpetuate the assimilation of the black community.

The black person who makes the choice to integrate into the dominating culture really must be honest with his or her self and admit that all their pronouncements of concern for the welfare of the black community take a backseat to their personal desire to assimilate. These black people are more of a role model to other black people on how to assimilate or integrate into the colorless and racially generic whole of American culture that just so happens to be controlled and dominated from the white community. And since white people are firmly in control, whether they do it consciously or subconsciously, they manipulate social systems to the benefit of white people and the detriment of black people.  So in essence, the interracial reality is actually counter to the strong black reality.

Although it may sound wonderful to hear someone say that they don’t notice people’s skin color, reality says that people notice color all the time. Black people who are with white partners aren’t going to go home tonight, slap their forehead, and say something along the lines of, “Oh my gosh! I never noticed you were white.”

When a black person makes the choice to no longer live in the black community with a black spouse and have black children then they are no longer for the perpetuation of black people and the black community. Their primary concern should be for the establishment or perpetuation of assimilated people and the integrated community. If all black people were so moved to follow these people’s example the black community would cease to exist. Our children would more than likely not be black children but mulattoes. Chances are good that the vast majority of these children would work to integrate themselves into the dominating culture and leave their roots in the black community behind.

Now if every black person were to focus on marrying a black spouse and raising black children with a strong connection to the black community then the black community is more likely to thrive and flourish. In such an environment young black people are much more likely to grow up and make the choice to actively defend the black community rather than just claim that they are proud to be black while minimizing their exposure to the black community.

The black community cannot survive and assimilate at the same time. Black people cannot promote love of our black heritage in one breath and the need to do undermine the black community in the next. It is either one or the other. People cannot have it both ways. When black people make the choice to pursue an interracial relationships it actually weakens the black community. With each person who abandons the pursuit of the black experience with a black partner then we have that one less brother or sister to help us in the black community. Black people who make the choice to assimilate and encourage other black people to give up on the black struggle actually weakens the black community. Children of interracial relationships are less likely to work for the empowerment of the black community and more likely to work for the empowerment of the generic whole who happen to be controlled by a white dominating class.

Saturday, September 29, 2007 Posted by | African Americans, Black Community, Black People, Interracial Relationships, Life, Thoughts | 27 Comments

Jungle Fever

Jungle Fever

Normally I do my workouts at home. A few dumbbell weights (maximum of about thirty pounds for each arm), a jump rope, a home quality ellipse machine (my ankles won’t let me jog anymore), and a pair of tennis shoes for walking. Not quite a complete setup but it’ll do in a pinch. Nevertheless, I decided to head back to the gym this morning for a real, honest to goodness workout. After just twenty four minutes and four hundred calories spent on a real ellipse machine I did a chest workout. Using a barbell with what seemed to be an unlimited supply of disc weights on the bench press, declined press, and inclined press, and I did dips. I did five or six sets per exercise, with nine to twelve reps per set. I have to admit that I haven’t felt this good after a workout in a very long time.

And listening to the regulars with their loud conversations across the floor was a bit annoying at first. Initially I did my best to ignore their exchanges. It took an effort beyond my ability to completely tune them out. That and my MP3 player gave out on me at the worst possible time. So I pitched the MP3 player (I was never happy with its performance) and actually started listening to the conversations of the people around me.

One of the things I never liked about going to the health spa is watching the mating ritual in progress. People engage in the age old practice of using the gym as a hunting ground for picking up other people. But this morning I witnessed the activity with a totally different perspective or appreciation for the process.

A young black man was putting serious moves on a young white woman. Obviously the man had been working out for a while. He had muscles on top of his muscles. He was kind of thick in the middle and his legs looked like they could benefit from a little more attention. But make no mistake he spent a lot of time working his chest and arms. The woman looked like a typical white girl. She was a dirty blond with long hair. She was a runner with a thin build and pronounced boobs. They both looked to be in their early to middle twenties and they were really enjoying each other’s company. The laughter in their speech was elevated. They made a lot of physical contact, bumping each other, invading each other’s space, laying hands on each other’s body. I tried to look away but the mirrors are everywhere. I would turn my head to look away and they’d be right there in front of me from a different perspective. He was giving her tips for working out with weights and she was soaking it all up. The whole process was a lot like watching a train wreck.

As I tried not to see everything this couple was doing and saying I started noticing some of the black women in the gym. There were a few sisters in the building doing their thing on various cardio machines, the stair stepper, exercise bike, treadmill, and ellipse machine. I saw only one of the sisters give the weight machines a shot. I have to say that the black women ranged from a little thick to a lot of thick and they ran the gamut from the early twenties to the grannies. Most had their hair straightened but there was a good number with their hair with its natural texture.

I guess I’m old fashioned. But I have always thought that young adults indulging in the mating ritual need to consider the future consequences and possibilities of the choices they make today. Two people who make the choice to enter into an interracial relationship really need to understand the full impact of such a choice. Both people are making a choice to compromise a major chunk of their ability to relate to their mate. For example: a black man and a white woman, as well as the vice versa arrangement, who choose each other for a relationship makes the choice to have partners who may not fully understand, partners who may be insensitive to, or partners who may even be hostile to, matters pertaining to a race perspectives.

What would the atmosphere in the home be like when the discussion pertains to affirmative action? Although there is little doubt that there would be much chance for a difference of opinion if the black person takes a totally racially submissive view of a Clarence Thomas or Tiger Woods. But, if both people take true ownership of their heritage and ancestry, there is a very good chance that any racially sensitive debate or argument could be very heated and intense. It is something for both people considering an interracial relationship to think about if they are serious about their heritage and value their ancestry. But then again, if they were serious about their heritage they’d consider the impact of their extra-racial relationship on their future legacy as well. If a black person was truly serious about keeping their black community strong they may want to carefully consider the effect of opening themselves up to an interracial relationship.

And what kind of children do black people want to have to carry their legacy into the future? It is becoming more and more obvious that many obviously black people with a desire for an interracial relationship don’t mind the thought of having their African ancestry becoming more diluted with children who are more likely to develop an appreciation and sensitivity to European perspectives while at the same time growing more callous and insensitive to African perspectives with each subsequent generation. So when I see my black brothers and sisters who openly date or pursue other ethnicities for a relationship, I must admit that I wince inside. If they are truly into each other for who they are and not what they are then all I can say is more power to them. But I cannot help but see another line of African American potential coming to an end and another line of assimilated people of African heritage coming to fruition.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007 Posted by | African Americans, Black Community, Black Culture, Black Men, Black People, Black Women, Interracial Relationships, Life | 4 Comments