Target Is Not All That
There’s little doubt that some supercomputer in the subterranean lair of some government facility in the middle of the desert somewhere in New Mexico or Arizona is pegging its CPU cycles trying to keep up with all the internet traffic referring to First Lady Michelle Obama and the keyword Target. No doubt more than a few people will wind up on that terrorist watch list this week. I guess I’ll throw caution to the wind and tempt federal government fate as well. Then again, I’m pretty sure I’m already there and have been since I started blogging.
But really, who couldn’t tell that this was Ms. Obama? Black woman walks into the store being followed by twenty clean-cuts who look like they could be Captain America prototypes, all wearing earplugs and watching everybody’s every move like a mama bear watching over a cub after ingesting massive quantities of caffeine laden coffee wouldn’t give anything away I’m sure. Either the woman must be some high level terrorist threat in drag or the one and only FLOTUS. I pity the fool who would hurriedly wander into the checkout line behind Ms. Obama with a bat for his kid’s baseball game that was about to start in less minutes than what he actually needed to get there. Dude would be renditioned to Guantanamo Bay before any of his teeth could fall out and some kid would be pissed that daddy missed his or her big game, AGAIN!
And then I can just imagine the ruckus as she left. “Wheezie has left the store and is in the parking lot! Repeat, Wheezie is in the parking lot! Swarm! Swarm! Swarm!” Black lady in a Target parking lot followed by twenty of the secret service’s finest trying to look inconspicuous and tracked by a handful of blacked out GMC Suburbans with government plates while a stealth drone flew in the sky just a little too close and the members of SWAT just happened to be on top of all the buildings across the street doing drills. That won’t garner any attention. Other customers who couldn’t see that it was FLOTUS will stop pushing their shopping carts, stand out there and wonder what that black lady may have stolen and applaud Target’s tough stance on shoplifting. Black people! You can’t take them anywhere.
And what was she buying? Are government cutbacks so tight that now FLOTUS has to go and purchase her own Charmin so POTUS can wipe? Damn that John Boehner and the rest of those tea party politicians! Does that photo show her using coupons?
According to the article that accompanied the photo, Ms. Obama said that since coming to the white house she misses her normal life that included things like running to Target and this was an opportunity to relive a bygone past. I don’t want to sound insensitive or anything but I can think of a ton of things to do that are much more appealing than going to Target. Has she been to a Target lately? I guess not since she’s trying to do it all undercover style.
But I was at one of the local Targets earlier this week, and trust me, that experience ain’t something to write home about. Other customers can be rude, use their cart to block my way down the aisle, and I don’t have a garrison of secret service agents ready to come down on somebody’s ass like the wrath of god on my behalf. Although I will have to say that shopping at Target is a much better experience than shopping at the Wal-Mart around the corner.
If somebody told me that I could have my life dreams if I would just give up going to the Target forever I’d have to think about that choice for about all of half a nanosecond. Sign me up! I’d throw no more trips to Wal-Mart and Kmart in just as a bonus. Let’s talk! And if necessary, I’ll even throw in trips to the Macy’s, but I’d keep that fact under wraps so I’d have a bargaining chip. Can’t appear too eager. What store wouldn’t I give up?
If I was Ms. Obama I wouldn’t even think about Target. That secret service guy in the photo standing right behind her in the T-shirt and baseball cap trying to make sure the little lady at the cash register didn’t do anything funny like charge too much for that last item could do all my shopping for me. That way, only one agent would have to be inconvenienced instead of the entire detail. And that’s bound to save taxpayers enough money to keep POTUS and family in toilet paper for the rest of their lives.
If I was Ms. Obama and I loved to shop at Target that much, I would’ve gotten that entire Target shopping out of my system way back in the day. The night that Barack Obama won the Democratic Party’s nomination for the presidency she should have picked up the charge card and head out the door and made that beeline to the home of the red and white circles. She could’ve done it as a celebration of the life to come and an homage to the life that was, kind of the way a bachelor celebrates his marriage with his bachelor party. Get that celebratory fling out the way because your world will be very different from this point on.
Enough of me complaining. I should simply be happy that Ms. Obama didn’t bother to drop in at the Target I visited earlier this week. It’s bad enough I get followed by store security on an average day. Black, hair in locks, and with FLOTUS in the vicinity to boot, I’m pretty sure I’d be the most suspicious character in the joint. The agent that starts following me got a heads up from one of the GMC Suburbans outside that started watching me the second I got out of my car. They’d do a check on my license plate to get my name, use that big fancy supercomputer in the desert to do a crosscheck with internet providers to see if they can find my home computer, tap into it and find out that I’m a blogger and I’ve written more than my fair share of articles criticizing the President. It would be too much of a coincidence that we would be there at the same time. “Security breach! Wheezie’s in danger! Operation ‘Jefferson Goes Shopping’ aborted!” Probably the last words I hear before my lights go out and I’m renditioned to Guantanamo.
I imagine you give up a lot of normalcy to become President and First Lady and all. Not quite everything you give up when you get renditioned but I think you get my point. It is unfortunate, but you made the choice to give normal up when you make the choice to try and become leaders of the free world. Even now, when you go to Target, the experience is far from mundane with all the security that has to be ratcheted up to secret service acceptable levels. Judging by the way authorities like, or need, to see danger lurking behind and around every corner it’s probably a lot of work to give one woman a sense of being an average joe. An average joe that just so happens to be preceded and followed by a lot of people. Hopefully, she remembered that the Target wasn’t all that and she really did get it out of her system once and for all.