brotherpeacemaker

It's about our community and our spirituality!

You Know Who You Are

My Friend,

Thank you so much for your kind words at this critical hour in my relationship with my partner.  First and foremost, I apologize to you.  I presented myself as someone with some social integrity.  And then something like this happens.  I know I could’ve kept it hidden.  I’m nobody and therefore nobody else had a need to know.  It’s not like I rank on anybody’s attention meter.  But I felt the need to cleanse myself the best way I could think of.  What better way than to expose myself for what I have done than to face what I’ve done on my website.  Although I have anonymity with my Peacemaker moniker, to me there is value in that name and I’d like to keep some modicum of integrity with it.

Second, I apologize to you for any way, shape, or form, my current experience relates to your past.  No one should be going through this at any time of their lives.  I know I have put my partner through hell.  The fact that I know she’s depressed, angry, hurt, and in pain alone makes me feel like crap.  The fact that I am the source of all those negative feelings only adds guilt, remorse, and shame to what I’ve done.  Regardless of which side your own experience may fall, whether it was close to what happened with me or with significant differences in the detail, I am truly sorry.

This is such a hard ordeal for the misses and I to go through.  Our communications are laced with triggers that appeal to our defense systems and we’re operating at defense readiness condition two, the setting just before the one that indicates an attack is imminent.  Conversations that start out innocent enough will take a wrong turn somewhere and we’re circling each other like gladiators looking for an opening.  For me to stay and talk doesn’t work.  To stay and simply listen doesn’t work.  To walk away doesn’t help.  To come back and finish a discussion isn’t the right thing to do either.  We talk about our inner issues and suddenly she accuses me of I’m trying to use everything I learned about her to hurt her further.  Absolutely nothing works, not even the advice from the therapist we’re using to help us rebuild.

Despite everything that has come to light in the past few days I have nothing but the highest respect for my partner.  I know that might sound oxymoronic considering I cheated.  But right now, she feels that a lot of what I’m doing is some sign that I’m trying to insult her intelligence.  I feel very helpless.  And out of exasperation and exhaustion with our inability to move out of our anguish and misery, I will give up and will want to shut down and wallow in anguish and misery.  Very little is working and all we’re doing is hurting each other more.  Everything takes on an exaggerated significance.  The slightest eye movement is a dismissive eye roll.  Intent to mock is behind every gesture.  And I’m truly at my wits end.

I made this mess and I should be willing to do everything I can to work this out with my partner.  However, I know I sometimes may act in a way that can be perceived to be contrary to our reconcilement.  I truly would like for us to get back to something that we can recognize as our space with each other.  But right now we’re like two bulls in two different china shops.  I’m in her china shop and she’s in mine.  And even when we’re trying to get out, to keep from doing more damage, it is inevitable that more damage is done.

I don’t understand some of our conversations.  I understand that honesty is the best policy now.  I’m trying to rebuild trust and I have no other intent than to be trustworthy.  I understand that I have to be open and respond to her questions.  But when I’m being asked about details that are pretty clear to me that they can only hurt our relationship further then I feel we really do have a problem and the question is just the tip of a greater iceberg lurking beneath, looking to sink the boat that represents the condition of our relationship.  Our therapist is trying to help us with this.  But we will agree with him in his office.  As soon as we step out of his door we revert back to old behaviors.  It’s as if the visit was just a waste.

Every single day is a struggle right now.  I know that this is going to be something we will be dealing with for a very long time and we need help getting the right tools to hammer through the barriers that keep us from getting something that resembles civility.  I don’t want to continue to counter my remorse with bouts of anger.  But it is so hard when I feel like I am without any chance for redemption.

Somehow we will make it through the rest of this day.  Tomorrow we will wake up and start this whole ordeal over again.  We will wake up and go through the motions of trying to put us back together.  One day, somewhere along the way, we might be able to make a dent in the chaos that has become us.  It just won’t happen soon enough.

Thanks again for your words.  They really meant a lot to me.  Sincerely, your friend…

Peace

Monday, August 9, 2010 - Posted by | Life, Thoughts

9 Comments »

  1. Oh, and as for your “I’m nobody” comment…forget that mess. YOU ARE SOMEBODY. YOU are Brother Peacemaker. YOU are a strong black man, you are a father and a leader, and for beter or worse, you have a lady in your life who chose YOU (you just got shit to work out, thats all) You are worthy of attention.

    And no matter what anyone else’s opinion of you is, or whether you’re determined to be newsworthy, or to be included in some odd socialite structure or not, its all just that- OPINIONS. What matters is YOUR OPINION, for when relating to yourself, your opinion is in effect FACT. Don’t let others change your own self-perception and change those facts to something you don’t see as worthwhile. Although it helps to be self confident, and not an pompous ass hiding behind a false ego (which for the record I dont think you are an ass).

    You are You. You strive in many ways to better yourself, I’ve seen that in the short time I’ve been reading your blogs and how you respond to others. You aren’t somebody else, and somebody else isn’t you. You were meant to be exactly who you are. And don’t let WHAT you do define WHO you are. Let who you are define what you do.

    Whether or not you see it, or anyone else sees it, YOU are special. (see, it aint just your mom who told you that, now!)

    Comment by Mike Lovell | Tuesday, August 10, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback Mike Lovell,

      Okay…I’ll admit that I matter to some people. I know when to concede a point.

      You see? The therapy visits are helping!

      Peace

      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Tuesday, August 10, 2010 | Reply

  2. Don’t beat yourself up. I have been following your blog for a little while now. I find that you are incredibly insightful and I always look forward to reading them. Not too long ago I would have judged you and stopped reading your posts after you revealed that you had an affair. I don’t do that anymore probably due to maturity or my over-analytical brain working overtime or even Obatala working to cool my hot head. You see, I have been the victim of affairs more times than I want to remember and once the other woman. I am not an expert but I do understand the psychological side of this situation. I have always heard depression described as our “anger within.” I think this description also applies to your situation. We make living hard because we are always waiting for that negative ball to drop and when it doesn’t we find one to play with. Sometimes we just have to accept that things are good, we deserve it and keep it moving. We have to love ourselves and believe in trust. If bad does come, we deal with it and keep it moving. I know its not easy but it is necessary to prevent downward spirals.

    I sensed something was going on with you when you started having problems with your boss. I probably should have said something then. I do believe we are all on this earth to learn something so you don’t beat yourself up. Just learn the lesson.

    As for your relationship with your partner, I suggest that you buy a notebook and instead of talking about your feelings you both write them down. The notebook should be shared between the two of you. You can respond to each others posts in writing only. Let notebook absorb all of the anger and pain until you are both ready to get put it behind you.

    I wish you the best of luck. Keep writing…

    Comment by Michelle | Tuesday, August 10, 2010 | Reply

  3. “He who is without sin, cast the first stone…”

    I am praying for you, sisterpeacemaker and babypeacemaker. Keep fighting for your relationship and your family! Keep loving sisterpeacemaker! Most important, forgive yourself!

    God bless.

    Comment by asabagna | Tuesday, August 10, 2010 | Reply

  4. You write real good but you spend too much time listening to the little voice in your head. It keeps telling you a story about what happened in the past, what makes you you and what makes you better or worse than everyone else. You are what you tell yourself, which is your delusion. Really not important what your story is, because you could wake up dead tomorrow. Stop the internal dialogue and the story goes away; the stress goes away. If you learn to live in the now you will be much better able to handle the problems.

    Comment by chris tidman | Tuesday, August 10, 2010 | Reply

  5. Everyone makes mistakes. Some are small and some are big, but they are still mistakes. You made a mistake. And I think the fact that you realize that, and are doing all you can to fix it, says a lot good about you. The fact that your partner wants to work it out speaks volumes of her character, love for you and her family.

    I am not trying to be glib about this. It’s going to be hard and probably get more painful before it gets better. But it CAN get better.

    I hope the best for you and yours. So many people would use this as an excuse to just give up. Keep working hard. When you and your partner heal from this, you’ll be stronger than ever before. I know it may be hard to believe, but it’s true.

    Blessings to you and your family.

    Comment by c | Tuesday, August 10, 2010 | Reply

  6. You are in a hard place right now Peacemaker. Know that you
    were not born to your name by accident, Peacemaker is more than just your name. I know of softer situations than yours that did not endure and twice the worst than yours that emerged into astounding bliss. I know that you have the character and the metal to quiet the rage. I just know
    you do. I truly believe in you.

    The person that believes in you more than any of us ever can is Mrs Peacemaker. She sees the aspects of your character and FOCUSES on you potentials, she is not just
    ranting and raging. She is passionately and lovingly(believe it or not)appealing to you to say and do that thing that will still the raging tempest in her heart and
    soul, to arrest the fear and panic and remove anu threat to
    her felling secure in her marriage…..while kicking you ass
    at the same time.
    Chris,Mitchell,Asabagna gave great comments.
    So let this be the last time you wite about yourself referring to the past. You “ant gona git” what you need
    looking back at yourself. Turn yourself around into the NOW
    and start looking forward. Get a grip on your life and don’t
    turn lose.

    Comment by Akinwole | Wednesday, August 11, 2010 | Reply

  7. Hi brother Peace! See, this is what the pain is going to look like! It’s a process. We have to be willing to go through the process. It’s like childbirth. That thing hurts for all those hours. But the end result is that beautiful baby. How would it look it Mom says “I can’t” during the birth? OK, That’s a bad analogy. But marriage is like a birth in a way.
    Your wife has to rebuild her trust. And she has to take out her hurts on YOU! That’s not a bad thing, really. She loves YOU so she takes out her pain on YOU! NOt out of hate but out of deep love. The day will come when she releases most of them, when she lightens her burden of them. And they will float away from you as well. Those hurtful words will float away. If you let them. And you will feel stronger as a man, because you would have realized that you’re human. Really realize it. And you’ll relax too. What happened in your marriage has happend millions of times before. Men are very attuned to a woman’s words. The Universe created that way. If things are out of alignment, the man may listen to the wrong woman. That’s why it’s so important to make the effort to stay focused on one’s own woman.
    The wife has to know that she WILL forgive her man, even though she’s angry at him. (I’ve forgiven my man a million times, and he’s forgiven me 2 million times) After a while we don’t get so mad at each other when we make that same small mistakes. We accept each other with our weaknesses until eventually we improve.
    But it all depends on being able to endure each other. Being patient with each others ugly faults, and remembering always those good traits.
    I’ve learned that the anger can turn on a dime. I’ve been angry at my husband for something or another, and then a lightbulb goes off in my thick skull and I stop being mad and smile at him and that frees him to stop being hurt and it goes back and forth like that!! We are too much alike–stubborn and opinionated!! But we like those same qualities in each other. Ive rambled and rambled. Im still praying for Mrs. PeaceMaker to be patient with herself. She’ll feel all of it, and she ought to express it all. Then it will pass.
    Remember this, that you’re a beautiful man. Also remember this: that your wife is a beautiful woman–you chose her for that reason.

    Comment by Anna Renee | Friday, August 13, 2010 | Reply

  8. Attend to your ORI

    Comment by RAS | Saturday, August 21, 2010 | Reply


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