brotherpeacemaker

It's about our community and our spirituality!

After The Affair

It’s never a good time to get busted for having an affair.  There are only degrees of bad timing.  And I felt that my timing could not have been worse.  The day my indiscretion came to light was the day before our son was to start preschool.  I feel like it took forever to convince my partner that the boy should be in school.  He is speech delayed and so mom has a reasonable fear that if something were to happen to him he wouldn’t be able to communicate that to us.  If somebody did something he didn’t like at school, he’d have no way to tell us.  My thinking was that being around his peers would help him.  The other kids would be his role models and he would want to learn as they learned.  Preschool would help him.

The misses did her homework.  We found schools that offer therapy and had programs geared towards his needs.  We narrowed our selection to three and paid them a visit.  After that, we were able to find a slot for him at our first choice.  It was only part time.  It would only be a couple days a week.  But as soon as a full time slot was available for his group we would get first choice.

But the sudden knowledge of the affair threw everything into a tailspin.  The misses was in no mood to have her world further dismantled by having her son go off to school leaving her alone and instilling a deeper sense of abandonment.

The next morning I was begging her to please let him go.  We went through so much just to get here could we please keep this plan.  She agreed only if we could get into some kind of therapy because she wasn’t going to sit around the house feeling like shit.  I got on my laptops and looked up marriage counselors in the area.  I only got a recorded message from the first two numbers I called.  The third number I tried I got a human.  It was for a psychologist out in Clayton.  He answered himself.  He didn’t have a receptionist or someone to screen his calls.  I introduced myself and explained the situation in the briefest of terms.  My partner just discovered that I was cheating and we were in need of some emergency assistance.  He slotted us in for a session an hour after our son was to be dropped off at school.  His first day was saved.

Less than twenty four hours after the initial shock we were on our way to getting help.  We argued all the way.  I’ve never heard so many four letter words flying back and forth in all my life.  Somebody would strongly suggest that we turn the car around.  Somebody else would agree.  Somebody would threaten to jump out the car.  Somebody else would offer to pullover.  Somebody would spew all kinds of vulgar insults.  And somebody else would spew just as many in return.  From the preschool to the counselor was the longest five minute drive I’ve ever experienced.

When I made the appointment, the counselor left instructions that we were just to wait in his small waiting room until he finished with the previous appointment.  The wait was pretty frosty.  But somehow we managed to hold our tongues.  Finally, our counselor emerged through the door and rescued us from our silence.  The misses sat on the small couch.  I chose the comfy chair strategically placed to provide an option with enough physical distance between couples quarreling.  The counselor only expected me to show up and so he was surprised to see us together.  He asked how the indiscretion was uncovered.  He asked questions about our lives.  We explained what got us to where we were.

I don’t remember all the details of that visit.  I do remember feeling extremely guilty and sorry for what I did.  The psychologist theorized that I had an issue with feelings of unworthiness.  I disagreed and couldn’t follow the connection.  But he broke it down for me.  I had a woman at home who was doing everything she could to help me with what I needed to accomplish.  She took care of my son.  She took care of my mom when she was sick with cancer.  She took care of me.  She took care of the house while I went to work.  And I betrayed her trust in me.  Coincidentally, I had just left my dream job because of a manager I found intolerable.  Oh yeah, I had issues.  I have issues.

At the end of our visit, the counselor suggested that we get our hands on a book titled “After the Affair” by Janis Abrahms Spring and her husband Michael Spring.  We argued later that day and the next.  Not the typical arguments of a couple.  We had some deep down hurtful shit going on.  We found the book on Amazon and ordered a copy.  But the next day, tired of waiting and needing all the help we could get, we went to the bookstore and bought a copy off the shelf.  We started reading it immediately.

The book is very insightful.  It is helpful to any couple interested in rebuilding their relationship after an affair.  So far, this book has been extremely practical and applicable to both of us.  We’ve been given a great deal of clarity into who we are and what has gone into making us do what we do.  The authors explains how both of us, the unfaithful partner and the betrayed, can confront the programming from our parents that drives our fears and prevents us from constructively communicating the pain and anger often associated with having an intimate relationship.

The ultimate goal of the book is to help people restore their trust in each other and to forgive.  The author suggest to both partners to investigate the deeper meanings behind the affair.  There is a reason why it happened.  It’s easy to lay the blame solely at the feet of the partner who committed the adultery.  But both partners need to examine themselves for their contribution and learn to accept responsibility for it.  It by no means absolves anyone for any discretion.  Trust me, I don’t feel like my partner had given me some kind of permission or excuse to do what I did.  I take full responsibility for the choices I have made, no matter how poor my choices have been.

Saturday, August 7, 2010 - Posted by | Life, Thoughts

11 Comments »

  1. Brother, you already know that you’re on the right track. It’s the TRUTH that sets us free. Whatever the issues that you and your wife may have, uncovering them can only give you both ammunition to confront them and eliminate them. I know how you feel concerning issues. My husband and I have gone through hell in our marriage, because we both have issues. Im learning to confront mine and one by one I’m annihilating them. He’s learning and confronting his too.

    Gather your strength, and continue to be patient with your wife as she processes all her pain and fear (women fear when men cheat because we attach that to somehow being inadequate)

    Im praying for a complete recovery of your marriage–and an even better, more powerful, more beautiful one, because now you both have the TRUTH to work with!! Keep striving toward the truth of who you both are so that you can reach the truth of what you both can be–together as a team and separately as individuals!!
    You have all ability to do it, brother! Make peace!

    Comment by Anna Renee | Sunday, August 8, 2010 | Reply

  2. After reading your blog for months, this article prompts my first comment.

    I offer encouragement and support through this difficult time. You appear to be a man that stands up, stands tall and stands proud.

    I feel hopeful that your beautiful family will find a renewed loving energy

    Comment by Olivia | Sunday, August 8, 2010 | Reply

  3. Brother P,

    Glad to hear you sought help on the immediate, and stuck with your plans for your son’s education at the same time. You and your wife are in a tough spot. Good luck to the both of you, from a guy who truly understands!

    -Mookie

    Comment by Mike Lovell | Monday, August 9, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback Mookie,

      And I do mean all the feedback!

      Peace

      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Monday, August 9, 2010 | Reply

  4. On a somewhat lighter note, I’m glad you and the Mrs decided to send Jr to preschool. My daughter had a speech delay that was diagnosed when she was 3 or 4. She had articulation disorder ( pronouncing rabbit as wabbit, using “th” sound for the “s” sound). She was first in a traditional preschool but they were ill-equipped to assist her so I put her in a early childhood center that worked w/ delayed children. The State of MO also approved for a SL pathologist to come by the house 3x a week for 1 hr for in-home therapy. We continued like this for about 2 years until she went to 1st grade. Then in 1st grade the school tested her and decided she no longer needed as much therapy so the in-home was cancelled and just the therapy at school took place. Her last therapy session took place in 3rd grade and she’ll be going to 5th grade in the next few weeks. What really made the difference is the in-home therapy, if you and/or the Mrs can arrange the in-home therapy it would be greatly beneficial. The State also allowed the therapist to come by the preschool and do the therapy if I wasn’t able to be home- that is another option as well. HTH, Good Luck to you and the family and remember you WILL make it through this.

    Comment by Paula | Monday, August 9, 2010 | Reply

  5. Peace,Harmony and Happiness Brotherpeacemaker,
    Your conduct speaks kindly of your character in that you are
    standing on a position of honesty. There are several other positions. May you have the patience to endure them all. In
    the meantime Brotherpeacemaker, Keep your mouth shut inspite
    of all of the venom your wife sprays on and at you. Don’t
    take it too personal. The Sister (Anna Renne) is correct when said Mrs Peacemaker is processing, hear her, feel her as she does so.
    This is not about you except you created it. I do not like talking to you in this manner but you are not cutting your
    wife enough slack here. Find reasons to truly be sorry for what you did, not for getting caught. In the process of trying to help and please you, she caught you.
    Do what you need to save your family not your face.
    Try switching roles. What would you be doing now?

    Comment by Akinwole | Tuesday, August 10, 2010 | Reply

  6. ‘”But both partners need to examine themselves for their contribution and learn to accept responsibility for it. It by no means absolves anyone for any discretion. Trust me, I don’t feel like my partner had given me some kind of permission or excuse to do what I did. I take full responsibility for the choices I have made, no matter how poor my choices have been.”‘

    Her part in your affair, what’s that river in Africa? You are already planning the words to use to blame her the next time you stray.
    Is this really your first time or is it the first time you have been found out. Is it the first time you tried to get another woman in bed. No, first you want it, next you start looking for it, then finally you find a woman who has a hard time keeping her clothes on. You were cheating long before sex. You were cheating your wife and kid out of the family they thought they were part of.

    But, then someone has to take care of the Sisters who don’t have a man, just part of the load on a Blackman’s back. You were just doing your part, right. Black women should understand that, right. I guess that is her part in your affair.

    Comment by GovChes | Sunday, August 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback GovChes,

      “Her part in your affair, what’s that river in Africa?”

      You have about as much clever wit as you have compassion.

      Obviously you don’t think much of me for what I have done. Whether or not you believe this is my first time or whether or not I’m blaming my woman for the next time is moot. You’ve already judged me based on nothing but what you’ve read here. I made the choice to put this affair out here so people will know who I am. It wasn’t something you read over in Jet magazine. You read it here from me. If you can point to something I said that suggest that I am trying to blame someone else for what I’ve done, then please do so. Until then, thanks for the reminder that people in the community should think twice before coming forward to confess their misdeeds because there’s always going to be someone somewhere who wants to home in on nothing but the fact that a mistake was made and deem that person less than.

      Peace

      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Monday, August 23, 2010 | Reply

      • Alafiah Brotherpeacemaker,
        I really do not think that ChesGov intended to come accross
        as though she or he was a jilted lover in a flashback mood.
        In my little pitiful opinion I think she was a little over zealous at trying to make a point. However lets say that
        she/he was being hateful for whatever reason. Surely you do not expect that you would only receive constructive and supportive well wishing do you.
        Please! Let the character you display speak for YOU. when
        you respond to the hate, it causes you to look backwards
        into the problem. Try to remember to keep looking FORWARD into the SOLUTIONS. Focus your energy there. I say this realizing that it is easy for me to say.
        May Peace,Harmony, Happiness, Prosperity and Bliss be upon your family once again.
        ASHE!!!

        Comment by Akinwole | Saturday, August 28, 2010

      • Thanks for the feedback Akinwole,

        Of course I didn’t expect only constructive criticism. I think my experience with this blog has taught me that people’s opinion can run the gamut regardless of the subject. With that said, if people want to leave a supportive comment, they can expect a welcome. If people want to leave a condemnation, they can expect a cold shoulder. I’m not going to be neutral to somebody talking to me with a damning finger, especially on a subject so personal to my family and I. If I was on the outside looking in I could practice a little more wisdom and patience. But as someone neck deep in the pain of the subject, already filled with my own regret and guilt, I really don’t need somebody else coming along with what I believe is their self important righteousness.

        Peace

        Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Saturday, August 28, 2010

    • GovChes,

      First let me start by asking, where in the post did the author say that this was their first affair? Why are you so angry about his affair, YOU aren’t a part of it, right? And what makes you think that the woman involved in the affair isn’t married herself? You seem to be either making a lot of ASSumptions or maybe you know better.

      Anyhow, one thing I would like to point out is that BrotherP was a little off about the book stating that both partners need to accept their share of the blame. What book says is that both partners need to accept their share of the blame for THE PROBLEMS IN THE RELATIONSHIP, not the affair. That is the SOLE responsibility of the affair having partner. The betrayed partner has no part in that.

      And from what I have read, BrotherP seems to have taken full blame for his deeds. And if, which is a big ASSumption, he does have another affair, isn’t his excuses something that will be between him and his hurt partner? Or do you think you know better than her what and who he is? It is obvious that you are a jilted lover, a former hurt partner or something other altogether. But your comments are ridiculous if taken with the thought that you are not involved in this. If his hurt partner is willing to cut him some slack and give him another chance, who the hell are YOU to throw up all the hate? Defend her if you feel, but you don’t even seem to be doing that.

      Get a life and some personal counseling for the pain that you suspect was dished out to you or to the pain you have caused others. You need help, I suggest you get to know who you are and reading this book just might help you get a jump start on the healing it takes to get over whatever you “feel” you are going through which you seem to be projecting on this fellow.

      By the way the book is great and should be read whether you have had an affair in your relationship or not. But I would suggest reading the book before this befalls you.

      Goodbye.

      Comment by theblacksentinel | Wednesday, August 25, 2010 | Reply


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