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If Confession Is Good For The Soul Then Why Am I Still In Hell?

It’s been about a week since my connection to the internet was severed. My Acer Aspire 9500 laptop finally bit the dust and gave up the ghost. The display had been showing signs of eminent failure. At least ten vertical lines appeared over the last few months that refused to go away. It was no big deal when the first one appeared. It would flicker in and out. And then one day it became a permanent fixture of the screen. A week later, the second line appeared. It came and it went. And then it too became a part of the screen. The process repeated until there were ten. It didn’t bother me, but it got on the misses nerves.

One day I went to the gym. When I got back, my laptop laid in pieces on the kitchen table. The misses tried to surprise me by replacing the screen with the screen from an old Acer that I bought for parts off eBay to keep my machine running. But the two screens were incompatible. One was a WXGA setup and the other was a WSXGA. By the time the difference was discovered, the female connector on the motherboard that attached to the screen was slightly damaged and neither the old screen nor the new screen would fit properly. My machine would boot up, but you couldn’t see jack on the display which makes it hard to use.

We bit the bullet and decided to cut our losses. We went to the Micro Center and bought a new Toshiba laptop to replace the old Acer. I have a lot of memories tied to that tired old machine. I started my blog on that laptop. I was depressed about the loss. It was something else that I had to give up and let go of.

The old machine had copies of every article I ever published as brother peacemaker. I wanted those articles back. Not only that, there was just a lot of stuff on that old eighty gigabyte hard drive. I had to recover the files and restore programs. The Toshiba had huge shoes to fill and I had to make sure I gave it everything it needed to hit the ground running. We took the old drive out of the Acer, bought an external enclosure with a USB link, installed the old drive, and hooked it to the Toshiba as a secondary drive. I could see my old files still existed on the old drive, but actually accessing the files was another matter altogether. The machine still needed a little work.

Like most things hardware related, I left the misses to get it done. She’s my technical support. She felt bad about trying to help me with my old Acer and causing everything to go belly up. She was going to do everything she could to get all of my data back.

The next day I was still out of commission. I went to the gym early in the morning, came home, and had nothing to do. The Toshiba wasn’t ready for prime time. She was meticulously going through the files and folders making sure I could open everything. I left her to do her job.

Later that afternoon I was lying in the bedroom thinking what the hell was happening with my life. Just a few weeks ago I was making my contribution to corporate America like so many other working slobs. That particular day I was nobody wishing I could just get on a laptop, any laptop, to write an article. The controversy surrounding Charlie Rangel was begging for attention. And the Shirley Sherrod case was still fresh. There were political races coming up and some of them were worth a mention. But I had to be patient. Besides, it wouldn’t hurt that much to miss a day or two. I’ve been pretty consistent with posting new articles since I quit my job. I deserved a small break.

I was on the verge of falling asleep when the misses suddenly burst through the bedroom door. She was livid. She asked me, who the hell is this woman you’re taking showers with? The misses found an email that I had long since forgotten all about. It was from a woman that I had an affair with and had only recently ended it. I had been unfaithful to the woman I had chosen to be my life partner. I had cheated on the woman who had born me my beautiful son. My adrenaline should have dumped into my bloodstream and my heart should have started pounding like a big dog.  But it didn’t.

I calmly confessed. Her anger could have been measured on the Richter scale.  And although my world started to crumble all around me, the confession felt good for my soul. The truth shall set you free is the venerable proverb. It may actually have some merit. My name is Peacemaker, and I am a cheater. I thought you should know something about my character flaw. Please excuse me over the next few days while I try to salvage my relationship. I truly hope someone will have mercy on my soul.

Monday, August 2, 2010 - Posted by | Life, Thoughts


  1. I must say that I am feeling pretty sad for you right now Brotherpeacemaker. I wish I could do something to help you over this hump.
    Do what ever you have to do and just incase you haven’t learned this yet….. take your whipping with your mouth SHUT!
    May Peace and Harmony be with you all.

    Comment by Akinwole | Monday, August 2, 2010 | Reply

  2. Brother, I’m praying for you, your wife, and child! Please remember to be patient with your woman, and take care of you, please don’t beat yourself up, brother!

    Comment by Anna Renee | Tuesday, August 3, 2010 | Reply

  3. I am so sorry. I really don’t know what else to say other than I’ll be praying for you and your family. Don’t lose hope.

    Comment by Paula | Tuesday, August 3, 2010 | Reply

  4. You are a good man dude!

    Comment by Phill | Tuesday, August 3, 2010 | Reply

  5. You, Sisterpeacemaker and babypeacemaker have my encouragement, support and prayers through this time. This too will pass. I admire and respect that you did confess, as this is the first step out of the hell you’re in. The truth does set you free.

    As Sis. Anna stated: “Don’t lose hope”. And remember, regardless of your faults, you’re a good man.


    Comment by asabagna | Wednesday, August 4, 2010 | Reply

    • No, good is good, bad is bad. No halfzzs , actions are who you are, thoughts are only what you hoped you would be.

      Comment by GovChes | Sunday, August 22, 2010 | Reply

  6. No, You are not a good man. The idea that, what you do is not who you are, is just stupid. You are only what you do! Your thoughts, your good wishes, your slick words, who did they help. Your actions, look who all they hurt.

    Sorry dude, I got nothing for you, you did this one to yourself, pure selfishness.

    Comment by GovChes | Sunday, August 22, 2010 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback GovChes,

      But it sounds like you’ve got some serious pain from somewhere.

      I’d like to think that this weakness I had in my life isn’t the whole sum of who I am. Other people might be able to see that. I hope my woman sees that. I admit to being selfish and I put that out there so people will know who I am. If you can’t see my forest because of one tree then so be it. You have nothing for me? I understand. I expect nothing from you. I think we can go our separate ways.


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Monday, August 23, 2010 | Reply

    • GovChes,

      Again, how would you know if this person is a good man or not? And of course you are NOT the mistakes you make. Are YOU the sum of your mistakes? And if so, start dishing them out here on the blog so we can see who YOU really are!

      His actions hurt him AND his family. Is that all who you are talking about? Should he look anywhere else, and if so, why? Did his actions hurt you too? If so, why? I just find it odd and interesting that you have so much venom, hate and interest in any of this beyond a reader hearing that a person and their family are in jeopardy of breaking apart. Where is your heart, your sympathy, your discretion? You are not judge and jury. Let his family handle that.

      “Sorry dude, I got nothing for you, you did this one to yourself, pure selfishness.”

      Why would he care if YOU have anything for him? Is he looking for something from you personally? Do you think that he is sitting at home wishing for YOUR personal support? Maybe the support of his long time readers is more than enough and you are just one lone hater no one not even BrotherP cares to hear from. And where prey tell did he say that someone else did this to him. I think he specifically said that “My name is Peacemaker, and I am a cheater.” Did you accidentally read “My name is Peacemaker and GovChes forced me to cheat”? Or some other form of non acceptance? And cheating IS selfishness, that is a given. But, if you felt that he needed to throw that one in specifically that is fine, but why are you so personally attached to this particular affair.

      I have more than enough respect for his hurt partner to know that sitting here on his blog making a mockery of her choices during what must be one of the most painful times of her families life is DISGUSTING! Have you no sense of decency? My goodness.

      The person who is no good here is YOU! I suggest you get some help for you trolling problem.

      Comment by theblacksentinel | Wednesday, August 25, 2010 | Reply

      • Thanks for the feedback theblacksentinel,

        And welcome back! It’s been a while. I’m sorry your return to my blog is under such circumstances. But it is good to hear from you nevertheless.

        I have apologized to my community and I will work hard to put this whole thing in my family’s past. I have to admit that I’m not knowledgeable on what GovChes’ interests are in this particular problem. The points you made are very valid. There’s enough pain here already. Nobody here needs the condemnation of some person looking in from the outside with such venom.


        Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Wednesday, August 25, 2010

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