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Asabagna The Peacemaker

Water and Sunrise

If I had a dime for every time the misses and I got into a heated debate or argument or whatever passes for verbal combat then I would have a lot of dimes, much more than I would care to have.  And there are times when sparks are flying that all kinds of bombshells are dropping and things will be brought up that are totally out of left field.  Sometimes nerves are rubbed raw and emotions bubble up to the surface from seriously dark depths.  And after the argument reaches is climax, slowly things start to subside.  It might take a while to unload some adrenaline.  Sometimes it takes a little time to push away bad feelings.  But ultimately we are able to put everything back into perspective and move on.   We’re trying to raise a kid and maintain a commitment to each other.  We don’t have much of a choice.  Besides, the value of our relationship is worth more than these arguments.  I have to admit, she’s much better at it than I.

Recently I got into a heated debate with thefreeslave on the AfroSpear.  What started off as a discussion about Caster Semenya and the appropriateness of calling her gender into question broke down into an argument complete with personal accusations and counter accusations.  More than ready to give with each take, I have to admit I was doing my part to ratchet up the rhetoric with each reply.  I’m a this and this?  Well you’re a that and that.  I’m a what and what?  Well you’re a such and such. Back and forth the replies flew for more than just a few days before reason kicked in and all further hostilities were neutralized.

It would have been nice for me to say that it was I who snapped into something that resembled reason and was able to step back from the precipice of mutually assured derision.  But I was too caught up in the argument to let wisdom and good sense kick in.  I was wasting my time and energy, waiting for a response so I could use a line I just so happened to have spent the last hour or two trying to conjure up.  It was the wise Asabagna who managed to pull the fuses out our explosives.  And when the smoke cleared and I could once again see the landscape, in the end I had to admit that the argument really changed nothing, convinced nobody of anything and the whole debate was pointless and useless and for naught except the satisfaction and defense of ego.

But in the end of it all, one thing was able to recognize was the support I had from Asabagna.  When he pulled the trigger on his neutralizer he wrote that even though he and I don’t always agree on points of view, he respects my decision to disagree with him.  It’s not about convincing each other who is right and who is wrong.  We are free to be.  And when a discussion becomes a heated debate between the two of us, we don’t have to devolve into personal attacks.  Especially when we know we need each other, if not for anything else, just to know we are not in this thing we call life alone.

When Asabagna said that he often disagrees with what I write, I had to laugh.  No one might believe this, but just the day before I was talking to the misses, fuming about the contempt people in the AfroSpear have for each other, wishing more people were like Asabagna.  Why?  Because I know we don’t see eye to eye on everything but I don’t feel like Asabagna makes his points by attacking me or my character.  And even though I often think he’s wrong, a lot more often than he thinks, I know he is honest in his opinion and doesn’t hold scorn on others who see things from a different perspective.  Asabagna is a police officer and is much more supportive of police than I.  But considering his experience with being a police officer I have to admit, that when it comes to the subject of police interaction and the black community, I realize that I will benefit if I listen to him.  I might not agree with his perspective.  But I cannot simply dismiss it as inconsequential either.

In the end of all of this, I learned that the respect that I have for Asa is mutual.  When I was starting to think that this epitome of dysfunction called the black community can go straight to hell and I don’t need this crap, it was Asabagna that reminded me that although we argue we should be able to put that behind us for a bigger purpose.  I kind of hope one day I can return the favor and lay down a serious epiphany on him.  Although I must admit, he is much better at this than I.  Asabagna once said that his name means hunter.  A second definition might be peacemaker.

But getting back to the misses!  Although we might argue like a cat and a dog, to the world, we are one.  I know I can count on her to have my back.  She knows she can do the same with me.  We might not always agree.  We might not always agree to disagree.  But I know in the end that when I need her to be there, when she sees that I need help, she will be there.  And those debating skills that we hone on each other?  Lord better help the person that tries to cross us.  It would be nice if more people in the black community were willing to give such support.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009 - Posted by | African Americans, Black Community, Black Culture, Black People, Life, Racism, Thoughts


  1. I totally understand your thought process during an argument. We often find ourselves taking a side on an issue, and when challenged, we marry ourselves to our idea even further. The ego, conciously or subconciously, likes to promote itself, and in heated discussions we freely seem to help it along. Every now and then we do have that moment of epiphany where we realize that maybe we were wrong on this point or that, or that we crossed a line with personal comments directed at our counterpart, provoked or not.

    Sometimes it is best to step away, analyze things and then try to ratchet things back to a respectable level. And while I can be a blowhard about whatever subject comes up, and lord knows you and I have found ourselves on opposite ends of an issue many a time, I realize your wit combined with your knowledge and ability to focus far exceeds mine. I do much better taking on younger kids who havent learned even to my level!

    But as always, agree or disagree, I’ve always respected your opinions, no matter how bone-headed either of us see the other!


    Comment by Mike Lovell | Wednesday, September 2, 2009 | Reply

  2. Thanks for the feedback Mike Lovell,

    Are you calling me bone-headed???

    You know me too well!

    I do my best to maintain some modicum of civility. But when I believe I am under attack my claws come out faster than any adamantium enhanced super hero. I don’t mind a differing opinion. I can’t stand people who refuse to disagree with respect.


    Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Wednesday, September 2, 2009 | Reply

  3. BrotherP,

    I agree with your comment as well. I don’t have a problem with people disagreeing but don’t take it to the next level and start hitting me with insults. That will cause me to reply in that very same manner.

    I think learning to brush things off and keep a level head is a lesson for all humans. Some of us have gotten it and some of us still are in the processing of getting it. Live and learn.

    It is good to see that you realize your part in the mish mash. You’ve gone on to learn a lesson from the whole deal. That is all one can do or ask for out of something like this. And hopefully all will be mended in the end. If not then the bond wasn’t that strong to begin with.

    Good luck.

    Comment by theblacksentinel | Wednesday, September 2, 2009 | Reply

  4. […] via Asabagna The Peacemaker « brotherpeacemaker. […]

    Pingback by Lovers & Fighters « curlykidz | Thursday, September 3, 2009 | Reply

  5. Wow! I am moved by this post.

    I came to realize long ago that as a community, we don’t have to be homogeneous in our thoughts, ideas and beliefs. In fact, we’re not and I have come to see the beauty and advantage in that. Another thing I have come to realize is that no-one is simply the “one thing” we may like to define (demonize)them as, as well we are not as complex (superior) as we may like to see ourselves. As you state above, we need each other… the good, the bad and the ugly.

    Whether we agree or not on any issue isn’t as important (to me at least) as just being able to listen. At the end we may may still disagree, but hopefully we learnt something. This may all sound cliche, but I sincerely believe this. As the saying goes: “God gave us 2 ears and one mouth”. It’s clear what HE considers to be more important…lol!

    For whatever it’s worth, I’ve got your back, thefreeslave’s back and even Yvette’s back… if it’s needed. I have no doubt whatsoever that you also have mine.

    Blessings to you and the “Peacemaker” family!

    Comment by asabagna | Friday, September 4, 2009 | Reply

  6. btw… this “always” works for me when the missus and I get into an argument… especially during football season.

    First, I show concern mixed with faint surprise that I didn’t see it her way and state: “Baby you’re right”. Then I express a slight disappointment in myself and state:
    “yeah, I was wrong”. Now this is key… look sheepishly and depending on how serious the argument, if you can get your eyes to fill with tears and get one to roll down a cheek all the better… state as sincerely as you can:
    “Baby, I’m sorry”.

    I GUARANTEE you that in 5-7 minutes MAX, you’ll be back watching the game (or whatever you were doing), and the missus will be getting you a snack and a beverage, while on the phone with her Moms, or sister, or best friend, or all three, telling them how blessed SHE is to have YOU in her life!

    Boo-ee-kah! Respect!

    Comment by asabagna | Friday, September 4, 2009 | Reply

  7. Dammit Asa!!

    Quit spreading all that wisdom! Let a brutha catch up sometime!


    Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Friday, September 4, 2009 | Reply

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