It's about our community and our spirituality!

Partners Not Opponents


The last thing I see when I see a black woman is my opponent.  The first thing I see when I am in the presence of a black woman is an ally.  My first inclination is someone who shares my strengths and weaknesses, my joys and pains, my likes and dislikes, my future and my past.  At least, that is what I see when I meet black women.  If I’m fortunate enough to start a conversation with a black woman, I will learn whether or not any of my assumptions hold water.  The last thing I see is someone who is beneath me, a black man.  When I see a sister on the street, the last thing I see is someone that needs to submit to my will.

Recently, maybe a few months ago, I wrote an article titled Elk Snout Mayor For Vice President about my misfortune of discussing politics with a black woman at work who I discovered was a staunch supporter of everything Republican having voted for George Bush to be President twice.  The woman was unsure whether or not she would be voting for then Illinois Senator Barack Obama or Arizona Senator John McCain.  When Mr. McCain selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin the woman made the choice right then and there to vote Republican again.  I was seriously disappointed.  But now that I had a better idea of who or what I was dealing with, I understood that we weren’t two black people with the same goals but two people who happen to share an ethnicity and little more.

When Mr. Obama made his Father’s Day statements that were thick with the perception that black fathers are somehow less responsible than fathers of other ethnicities and cultures, my friend responded with one of her rare moments of support for the black candidate.  My friend had a seriously low opinion of black men.  She was a single mother with a son whose father abandoned the two a long time ago.  I asked her about her choice of partners to copulate with, what attracted her to him.  He was tall, he was fair skinned with a good grade of hair, he had an attractive build, and he had an air of excitement.  Never once did I hear her say anything like he was responsible, he was intelligent, he showed courage to do what was right, or he was family oriented.  This woman was ready to use her experience with this man as the prime definition of what it meant to have a relationship with a black man.  So when Mr. Obama says black men need to be more responsible, she was simply too supportive of that single perception.

I wrote another article about Good Orgasms.  In it, I made reference to a black young lady back in college who made a decision that led to her having a child with a young black man who was a sexual predator.  No doubt, this was a woman who also felt black men were irresponsible.

Both of these black women feel the need to define their problem of being single mothers as the product of trying to have a relationship with black men who failed to appreciate these women for who they are.  But whether or not these women can lay the blame for their choices solely at the feet of black men is a matter of contention.  They can’t even lay blame for their choices on the poor excuses for the black men they chose for themselves.  They both made the choice to have a relationship with black men who were less than ideal partners for the development of a meaningful relationship.  They both chose to have relationships with men who did not value them as meaningful partners.  But by no means does this type of behavior define all black men or all black women or all black relationships.

Nevertheless, a powerful force is being used to promote an idea into the minds of young impressionable black people the notion that black people should not, must not, and cannot unite in any reasonable fashion to take the black community into the future.  Where can this notion manifest itself best than in the idea that black men do not see black women as equals in our struggle for equality?  A house divided cannot and will not stand.  Ever since black people have been brought to this land against their will, black men and black women have been programmed to see each other as scapegoats for the failures of the black community.

Right now, the overwhelmingly negative misogynistic and antisocial behavior of the black community’s hip hop phenomenon is the only flavor of the black community some people can see.  And all too often, this image has been carefully nurtured by the racially generic dominant community that is predominantly white to help project a negative perception of black people in general.  A black man that disrespects black women is promoted as a new musical phenomenon by the music industry.  Images of blacks as people with questionable ethics and morals are constantly being promoted throughout fictional and actual media broadcastings.  And instead of us turning our attention on the music industry or the movie industry or whatever you may have that promotes these images and helps to shape the idea of what it means to be black in America, we turn our wrath on each other.

The black community sits inert as people focus on such phenomenon as black on black crime and HIV/AIDS running rampant through the black community without ever hearing what the relative numbers are for white on white crime or for what the HIV/AIDS numbers are in the white community.  Too many black fathers are not participating in their children’s lives?  Interestingly we never hear what the numbers are for white men not participating in their children’s lives.  Anything that is promoted as a black problem is consumed hook, line, sinker, rod, reel, waders, boat, pier, dock, and etcetera.  If it is about black people it must be true.

Black women feel that black men do not respect them.  It should be no surprise that black men feel the same way.  Too many black men want to promote the idea that black women are difficult to get along with and life is just easier and sweeter with a white woman.  I don’t buy that malarkey either.  Not to say that some black men do not have it rough with black women or vice versa.  If anything we should take those rough times and learn from them so that we can build better relationships the next time.  Certain brothers are a headache.  Black women should take the lessons learned from the bad relationship and apply them to a new relationship.

When black people make general statements about other black people we do the racist propaganda for the dominant community for them automatically.  I refer to this as racism on cruise control.  I hate to see people from the dominant community used general statements to describe black people.  I hate it even more when black people support negative stereotypes about other black people simply because they had a bad experience with another black person or a series of bad experiences with other black people.  We don’t like it when we are collectively simplified into a single caricature of behavior.  We should refrain from simplifying each other so.

If a black woman learns from her experience with a black man that black men use their penis as some kind of weapon then she should learn to use her head as a shield for protection.  Use your head to think about what you’re getting into and you will not have to suffer that wrath again.  Brothers don’t like sisters that are emasculating?  Don’t get with emasculating sisters would be my first word of advice.  Black people need to think more about our behavior and our choices that leads us to other black people who may do us wrong.  When we discover that our choices are not right for us we should remove ourselves from the situation.   But we should refrain from blaming other black people for our poor choices, especially when we use other black people to justify the choice to separate ourselves from the black community.

Thursday, January 22, 2009 - Posted by | African Americans, Black Community, Black Culture, Black in America, Black Men, Black People, Black Women, Life, Thoughts


  1. I find the misconceptions of the black community, wrapped up entirely in stereotypes, to be a crap opinion of those with lesser intellect/understanding. Being a white conservative, I am sometimes led down the path, by my own volition, that many democratic measures are pure crap, and I am sure they think the same way of my ideas, either as a conservative, or lumping me in with republicans in some political partisan group of evil winged monkeys. Humans, overall, tend to try to fit things into a box, and base their reasoning henceforth on how the world works.

    One thing I took from what I heard about Obama’s Father’s day speech is this: Focus on ourselves, not others.

    Now, yes, I understand that white’s, probably in the same if not larger ratio can be bigger irresponsible dickheads (excuse my language) when it comes to parental responsibility, but the question to ask is…does white behavior excuse black behavior, and vice versa? If whites were the perfect model for parental responsiblity, would this somehow now make Obama’s statements relevant and legitimate? Or would the reaction that (I have heard) “why should you be telling us this, without pointing out white irresponsibility” be the same?

    Essentially, I think he is saying despite the rest of society, be it dominant culture or whoever, it is up to you to be the best you can, and that, as a people, you need to strive for it; you need to take responsibility for your own, and help foster a new image in such large proportion throughout the black community that it may be able to help overcome the stereotypes, and silence the (possibly white fostered) ideas that blacks are just irresponsible, mysognistic idiots that white america takes them for.

    Am I off totally here, or just somewhat, or what?


    Comment by Mike Lovell | Thursday, January 22, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback Mike Lovell,

      No, poor white behavior does not excuse black behavior. That is a fact. If somebody is being a jerk, they are a jerk. But the problem is that it appears that our collective focus on the black community’s problems distracts from white community problems. We constantly hear about black on black crime but when was the last time you heard about white on white crime? For non thinking people this helps to promote an impression that black on black crime is rampant without any measure for comparison. People focus on it so it must be bad.

      If Mr. Obama wanted to tell everyone that they need to be more responsible then he should have said all fathers need to be more responsible instead of singling out black fathers. Black men are already depicted as ethically and morally challenged. Mr. Obama should be a little more sensitive to racial stereotypes.


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Friday, January 23, 2009 | Reply

  2. The post is right on the mark, love it!


    I think that the problem with actions such as Obama’s speech or Bill Cosby etc. Is that they like most of America wish to single out the black community as if they are the ONLY ones or somehow worse than any other.

    And that is why people give that “why should you be telling us” statement. When if ever does anyone do this within the white, Asian or any other community? Pretty much never.

    I personally think that the whole of America needs to work to be better. And as far as taking responsibility for our own, isn’t that the problem. We chastise blacks for separating themselves then turn around and tell them to take responsibility for their own.

    It is just the hypocrisy in it all. I personally feel that every community and every race of people on earth has the same problems to some degree. Where one group has high teen pregnancy rate the other group has a high drug use rate and etc.

    We need to stop singling out blacks and start trying to go beyond simple statistics that by themselves may look damaging. Yet, put them together with ALL statistics and they become negligible.

    To sum it up NO president has any business singling out any one race of Americans to wag his finger of shame. And I don’t care if he IS a member of that race.


    Comment by theblacksentinel | Thursday, January 22, 2009 | Reply

  3. 01 22 09

    Hello there:
    I have been visiting your blog for a while now, but decided to comment here. Although I might be on the opposite side of the ideological divide than you, I feel quite strongly that we need to build EACH OTHER up rather then tear each other down. Living in Modesto, CA is difficult because the Black community (if you wanna call it that) is so damned fragmented. When we first came twenty years ago, there were about ten different Black churches each populated by some family klan of about ten people or less. The lack of trust was astounding! Basically, if you weren’t kin to the folk out here, they didn’t trust you and even called my father ‘militant’ for writing about civil rights violations in our fair city.

    When I see a Black man, I see a chiral image of myself. I love my husband and my father and Grandfathers. I love Black men. I am saddened by all of these rifts between Black men and women and hope it changes in time.

    The woman you mentioned who didn’t vote for Obama seemed to feel that way due to a self effacing quality, especially since she identified with Palin. Palin had no skills or background for the job, so the woman clearly was biased in her assessment of Obama.

    Although I didn’t vote for Obama, I found myself defending him from time to time when I heard other brothas say that he was an empty shirt or whatever else. I figured that they needed to be honest without lying about his supposed lack of experience.

    I voted libertarian because of monetary concerns and the underlying philosophy, I believe will help Blacks in the long run. But no need to disrespect opponents.

    OK take care. Your blog is inspiring.

    Comment by Mahndisa | Thursday, January 22, 2009 | Reply

  4. Thanks for the feedback Mahndisa,

    I appreciate honest comments regardless of the ideological divide.


    Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Thursday, January 22, 2009 | Reply

  5. “hook, line, sinker, rod, reel, waders, boat, pier, dock,…”


    “The first thing I see when I am in the presence of a black woman is an ally.”

    No doubt.

    Comment by Ant | Friday, January 23, 2009 | Reply

  6. Since not all Black women are the same, have the same interests, nor the same heart, how is it that anyone could see the same thing when they see all Black women?

    Not all Black women are attracted to Black men, and not all Black men are attracted to Black women. The color of a partner’s skin shouldn’t be so prominent in the discussion of love, unless that is all that matters to the one discussing.

    Women of all races have AIDS, are single mothers, and have been through abusive relationships. The color of their skin has nothing to do with it. The sharpness of their mind and self esteem do though.

    No one can see the same thing when they see any woman of any race. Every human being is different inside. One cannot predict their behavior or morality by the color of their skin. Thinking too much about the color of one’s skin takes a lot of time away from finding a real love, no matter their race.

    Nice post once again.

    Comment by House | Sunday, January 25, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback house,

      But indeed, we all judge a book by its cover. As a black man, when I see a black woman, I assume that I see someone who share many of my interest and understand me better than any other woman would. I admit that it is an assumption and, like any assumption, it does not always pan out. For example, the black women I mentioned in the article. To suggest that somehow people think that all black people are attracted to other black people is missing the point entirely. It is normal for white people to find their own more attractive under the assumption that they will have more things in common. The same is true for Asians, Latinos, and etcetera. The same is true for black people. No one is talking about predicting behavior or morality. It would be dubious to suggest otherwise. Black people who make it sound like it is unreasonable for black people to be more attracted to other black people are black people who don’t see much value in the continuation of the black community.


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Sunday, January 25, 2009 | Reply

  7. My friend people are people..its no different for white couples than blacks..your skin counts for nothing when it coms to your behavior and character.. Martin luther king said it is the content of a man..rather than the color of his skin that determines who we are. the only thing your skin counts for is being do i know this..ive been with a white woman..and now im with a black know the only women are the first female that i banged was a black dont see any emotional or big difference between whites and blacks when it comes to its cause im po’ white trash..but i thinksits true because it just islol

    Comment by John | Sunday, February 1, 2009 | Reply

  8. to say that whites have more in common with whites cuz they white is racist i said skin color does not drive ones behavior..

    Comment by John | Sunday, February 1, 2009 | Reply

  9. oh sorry i just read the whole thing sorry to call you out like that

    Comment by John | Sunday, February 1, 2009 | Reply

  10. i mean the first comment ..thats how i feel. the second comment was a mistake..only note the first

    Comment by John | Sunday, February 1, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback John,

      But to say blacks normally prefer blacks and whites normally prefer whites is not racists, it is prejudice. We all have preferences that we exercise throughout life. Because you may like the color blue doesn’t necessarily mean you will never chose another color. What is racist is when you have a preference for one color over another and never give other colors a chance to be a part of your life. When people exclude blacks or other minorities from participating in the various things our society has to offer, then prejudice has gotten out of control and racism rears its ugly head.


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Sunday, February 1, 2009 | Reply

  11. i asked you to ignore that comment and only focus on the first cuz i made a mistake on the other ones. what things are blacks excluded from? just never knew of black exclusion cuz new orleans is aroun 70% black

    Comment by John | Sunday, February 1, 2009 | Reply

    • John,

      You really must be joking. You can’t see any racial discrimination in America? Racial discrimination is rampant all around us but the only discrimination you recognize is the type where black people are excluded. A lot of people want to dismiss discrimination against black people by saying things like discrimination is only a factor when black people are wholly excluded. As long as there is one we have integration so racism is over. But this is nothing more than a lame attempt to obscure the real issue.


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Sunday, February 1, 2009 | Reply

  12. lol is it racist then to only date black women if your just being an ass i see your point

    Comment by John | Sunday, February 1, 2009 | Reply

    • John,

      OK…You got me…I thought you were being serious.


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Sunday, February 1, 2009 | Reply

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