It's about our community and our spirituality!

SBF Looking For SWM (SBM Need Not Apply)


I have a love of cars that keeps me looking through the classified section of the local paper looking to see what people are charging for new cars these days.  The other day I was looking at the paper and was surprised to see a version of the Nissan Versa going for something ridiculous like nine thousand dollars, about the same price as a Hyundai Elantra.  Although I would loathe buying either one, their prices are so low that I really couldn’t justify spending another six thousand on a fifteen thousand dollar Honda Fit.  It seems the little Honda is recession proof.

At the end of the automobile classifieds was the Dating Page.  Each ad was done in big bold print in order to fill the entire page.  While the regular classified would have a font size of about six, the page of people seeking relationships looked like it had a font size of about fourteen.  It appears that the newspaper advertising for dates is dwindling in this part of the country but the newspaper insist on filling the page, if not with more ads then with bigger ads.  The extra large font and bold print caught my eye and before I realized what I was doing I was reading the Dating Page.

There was one ad in particular that caught my eye.  A single black woman was looking for a single white male for a long term relationship, black men need not apply.  Although it was expected, nevertheless I was disappointed to see a black woman spending good money to find a relationship specifically with a white man.  I saved the Dating Page to the dismay of my partner.  Ms. Peacemaker wanted to know why I was bothering to look.  I wasn’t it’s just that this page caught my eye.

So why are you bothering to save it?
There’s this one ad from a single black woman looking for single white guy.  I thought I wanted to do an article about it.
So when are you doing this article?
I’ll write it as soon as I can.
Look, if you have something to say to me why don’t you just come out with it and stop doing this sneaky shit?
Hey, if I was trying to sneak I certainly wouldn’t leave the paper lying around like that.  And even if I did I wouldn’t tell you, at least not yet.

For some reason or another she didn’t find that last part funny.  That conversation was a few weeks ago.  I’m just now getting around to writing.

I don’t fault black people for dating outside our race.  A lot of men are attracted to women of various races.  A lot of women are attracted to men of various races.  But I am always saddened to see black people who simply refuse to date their own.  I know a lot of black people will say that the number of good black people to develop a solid relationship is so dismal that they have to go outside the black community or run the risk of not dating at all.  That’s just one of the reasons why black people have to make sure we stipulate that other black people need not apply.  The other reasons black people date exclusively outside our race is a learned dislike for black people as potential relationship partners.

And by what measure are black people considered inadequate candidates for other black people?  I remember seeing a black man complaining that there was not a single black women who shared his interest that he wanted to have a relationship with.  What was his interest?  The black man wanted a woman who could discuss things in detail such as the television show Friends.  Having an in depth knowledge of the characters on this show that seldom showed a black person in the background, let alone a substantial guess character, disqualified black women to the point he had to date outside his race.

The single black person that is interested in only single white people has given up on the black community.  There is no interest in helping to keep the black community strong.  There is no interest in helping the black community survive.  There is no interest in raising black children who are strong in their black identity to help assure the future of the black community.  The way some black people act the hooded wooded spotted owl of the Amazon basin has a better chance for a future than the black community.

Interracial relationships that happen as the result of a random act of circumstances are one thing.  Two people from the opposite sides of the racial track that can manage to develop a relationship despite their differences can be a wonderful thing as long as care is taken to respect each other as honest equals.  Too often I’ve seen a situation where someone of obvious African descent will downplay their association with the black community by referring to their self as brown or interracial or biracial or multiracial or mocha or cocoa colored or anything else that might not be so black.  But the same person will not hesitate to recognize their white partner as a fully fledged member of the white community.  White people in an interracial relationship never refer to themselves as peachy or creamed or pink or rosy.  But then again it isn’t very often a white person suffers from an association with the white community.

Black people who want to date exclusively outside the black community do themselves, their ancestors, and their future descendant, if they are lucky enough to have any, a serious disservice.  For every black person that works specifically to develop a relationship with anyone other than another black person, the black community will simply have to exist with one less black person to help in the effort to end this racial disparity.  It is unfortunate, but the black community will do better without people who want to undermine what it means to be black.

Friday, December 19, 2008 - Posted by | Black Community, Black Men, Black People, Black Women, Interracial Relationships, Life, Thoughts


  1. If Barak’s African father had not met and married his Caucasion Kansas mother, he would not exist! Think on that!

    Comment by Salsa | Friday, December 19, 2008 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback Salsa,

      I have thought about it. But for the sake of argument I’ll think about it some more…

      One Mississippi…
      Two Mississippi…
      Three Mississippi…

      There, I thought about it for three more seconds. Now what?


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Friday, December 19, 2008 | Reply

  2. BP…. these were my thoughts as i read your post:

    “The extra large font and bold print caught my eye and before I realized what I was doing I was reading the Dating Page.” This is where I said “oh oh”…

    “I saved the Dating Page….” This is where I said “OH GOD NO HE DIDN”T!!!!”

    “Ms. Peacemaker wanted to know why I was bothering to look. I wasn’t it’s just that this page caught my eye.” This is where I went to get some popcorn… this is better than the latest Bond film.

    “For some reason or another she didn’t find that last part funny.” This is where I had St. Louis 911 on speed dial.

    The best was your response to Salsa:
    “One Mississippi…
    Two Mississippi…
    Three Mississippi…”

    This is where I was laughing so hard I started joking on the popcorn!

    Blessings, Merry Christmas and a joyous 2009 to you Ms. Peacemaker and Baby Peacemaker!!!!

    Comment by asabagna | Friday, December 19, 2008 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback asabagna,

      Who would’ve thought she would’ve gotten upset? Everybody but me is who.

      Thanks for the well wishes. Merry Christmas to you and yours as well!


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Friday, December 19, 2008 | Reply

  3. well, don’t get upset, i have been turned down by men with that mentality and maybe women are more resilient than men but you have to leave well alone and hope they realise how racist they are…. you can be reacist outwardly to other racial groups or inwardly pointed at your own racial group.

    as a woman, in England you have to believe the cards are stacked against me…. whatever race you are…. “it a man’s world… it’s man’s world”

    Comment by lifeisannoying | Friday, December 19, 2008 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback lifeisannoying,

      It used to get to me. But I understand the mechanics of the whole mechanism a little clearer these days. It’s not that these people are down on me or another black person. It is a hatred of their self that they must deal with. A black person who has such disdain for being black is no one to be insulted by. As far as it being a man’s world, I’m sure my partner would say differently.


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Friday, December 19, 2008 | Reply

  4. “a learned dislike for black people as potential relationship partners.”


    I will come back later and elaborate. I have been noticing that quite a few black bloggers have been discussing this topic even bloggers who rarely deal with such social issues.

    Comment by RhondaCoca | Friday, December 19, 2008 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback RhondaCoca,

      I don’t think bloggers ever stopped discussing this topic.


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Friday, December 19, 2008 | Reply

  5. What Salsa needs to realize is that the majority of black people would not be here or at least who they are if it were not for some past interracial relationship. Whether it was welcomed or not.

    It isn’t about hating interracial love. It is about the hatred that some people have for their own race. That is sad. These people have been deeply affected by the systemic racism which breeds contempt for black people.

    This brings them to hate themselves and others like them. They also go to great lengths to distance themselves from blackness.


    Comment by theblacksentinel | Friday, December 19, 2008 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback theblacksentinel,

      I really don’t think some people take the time to read articles. They see the title and they probably skim the first paragraph at most and make all kinds of conclusions about what’s inside. Think on that!


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Saturday, December 20, 2008 | Reply

  6. I had to laugh at the part where you saved the dating page for that ad, and then came under the heavy artillery of your female counterpart. Once again I have found commonality with you. It seems some of us males see something as totally innocent only to to be informed otherwise by our better halves. When oh when will they realize that we are not overly complicated, skillfully deceitful creatures, rather than mere curious individuals?

    Comment by Mike Lovell | Monday, December 22, 2008 | Reply

    • Thanks for the feedback Mike Lovell,

      The saddest part of all is that compared to some of the things I’ve done saving the dating page is pretty tame. For some of us it might be curiosity. For others, like me, it’s just boneheaded stupidity.


      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Monday, December 22, 2008 | Reply

      • Honey!!!

        I called myself boneheaded! Can I come back in the house now?


        Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Monday, December 22, 2008

  7. Brother Peacemaker,

    I promised to come back, here I am:

    Most black women like myself are frustrated. Its my sense of enlightenment and optimism that allows he not to put up something as brazen as the sista above.

    Here is an example of the frustration,

    The Ongoing Betryal of Black Women by Black Men

    Head over to What About Our Daughters as well as other blogs for written for black women by black women and you will see a common thread. There is a feeling of hurt and betrayal that has turned into hatred and resentment. You will see it in the comments. I tend to agree with them.

    Comment by RhondaCoca | Saturday, January 17, 2009 | Reply

    • RhondaCoca,

      I started writing and had a little problem stopping. You see, the last thing I see when I see a black woman for the first time is my opponent. The first thing I see when I am in the presence of a black woman is an ally. My first inclination is someone who shares my strengths and weaknesses, my joys and pains, my likes and dislikes, my future and my past. At least, that is what I see when I meet black women. If I’m fortunate enough to start a conversation with a black woman, I will learn whether or not any of my assumptions hold water. The last thing I see is someone who is beneath me, a black man. When I see a sister on the street, the last thing I see is someone that needs to submit to my will.

      Recently, maybe a few months ago, I wrote an article titled Elk Snout Mayor For Vice President about my misfortune of discussing politics with a black woman at work who I discovered was a staunch supporter of everything Republican having voted for George Bush to be president twice. The woman was unsure whether or not she would be voting for then Illinois Senator Barack Obama or Arizona Senator John McCain. When Mr. McCain selected Alaska Governor Sarah Palin the woman made the choice right then and there to vote Republican again. I was seriously disappointed. But now that I had a better idea of who or what I was dealing with, I understood that we weren’t two black people with the same goals but two people who happen to share an ethnicity and little more.

      When Mr. Obama made his Father’s Day statements that were thick with the perception that black fathers are somehow less responsible than fathers of other ethnicities and cultures, my friend responded with one of her rare moments of support for the black candidate. My friend had a seriously low opinion of black men. She was a single mother with a son whose father abandoned the two a long time ago. I asked her about her choice of partners to copulate with, what attracted her to him. He was tall, he was fair skinned with a good grade of hair, he had an attractive build, and he had an air of excitement. Never once did I hear her say anything like he was responsible, he was intelligent, he showed courage to do what was right, or he was family oriented. This woman was ready to use her experience with this man as the prime definition of what it meant to have a relationship with a black man. So when Mr. Obama says black men need to be more responsible, she was simply too supportive of that single perception.

      I wrote another article about Good Orgasms. In it, I made reference to a black young lady back in college who made a decision that led to her having a child with a young black man who was a sexual predator. No doubt, this was a woman who also felt black men were irresponsible.

      Both of these black women feel the need to define their problem of being single mothers as the product of trying to have a relationship with black men who failed to appreciate these women for who they are. But whether or not these women can lay the blame for their choices solely at the feet of black men is a matter of contention. They can’t even lay blame for their choices on the poor excuses for the black men they chose for themselves. They both made the choice to have a relationship with black men who were less than ideal partners for the development of a meaningful relationship. They both chose to have relationships with men who did not value them as meaningful partners. But by no means does this type of behavior define all black men or all black women or all black relationships.

      Nevertheless, a powerful force is being used to promote an idea into the minds of young impressionable black people the notion that black people should not, must not, and cannot unite in any reasonable fashion to take the black community into the future. Where can this notion manifest itself best than in the idea that black men do not see black women as equals in our struggle for equality? A house divided cannot and will not stand. Ever since black people have been brought to this land against their will, black men and black women have been programmed to see each other as scapegoats for the failures of the black community.

      Right now, the overwhelmingly negative misogynistic and antisocial behavior of the black community’s hip hop phenomenon is the only flavor of the black community some people can see. And all too often, this image has been carefully nurtured by the racially generic dominant community that is predominantly white to help project a negative perception of black people in general. A black man that disrespects black women is promoted as a new musical phenomenon by the music industry. Images of blacks as people with questionable ethics and morals are constantly being promoted throughout fictional and actual media broadcastings. And instead of us turning our attention on the music industry or the movie industry or whatever you may have that promotes these images and helps to shape the idea of what it means to be black in America, we turn our wrath on each other.

      The black community sits inert as people focus on such phenomenon as black on black crime and HIV/AIDS running rampant through the black community without ever hearing what the relative numbers are for white on white crime or for what the HIV/AIDS numbers are in the white community. Too many black fathers are not participating in their children’s lives? Interestingly we never hear what the numbers are for white men not participating in their children’s lives. Anything that is promoted as a black problem is consumed hook, line, sinker, rod, reel, waders, boat, pier, dock, and etcetera. If it is about black people it must be true.

      Black women feel that black men do not respect them. It should be no surprise that black men feel the same way. Too many black men want to promote the idea that black women are difficult to get along with and life is just easier and sweeter with a white woman. I don’t buy that malarkey either. Not to say that some black men do not have it rough with black women or vice versa. If anything we should take those rough times and learn from them so that we can build better relationships the next time. Certain brothers are a headache. Black women should take the lessons learned from the bad relationship and apply them to a new relationship.

      When black people make general statements about other black people we do the racist propaganda for the dominant community. I hate to see people from the dominant community used general statements to describe black people. I hate it even more when black people support negative stereotypes about other black people simply because they had a bad experience with another black person or a series of bad experiences with other black people. We don’t like it when we are collectively simplified into a single caricature of behavior. We should refrain from simplifying each other so.

      If a black woman learns from her experience with a black man that black men use their penis as some kind of weapon then she should learn to use her head as a shield for protection. Use your head to think about what you’re getting into and you will not have to suffer that wrath again. Brothers don’t like sisters that are emasculating? Don’t get with emasculating sisters would be my first word of advice. Black people need to think more about our behavior and our choices that leads us to other black people who may do us wrong. When we discover that our choices are not right for us we should remove ourselves from the situation. But we should refrain from blaming other black people for our poor choices, especially the choice to separate ourselves from the black community.

      Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Sunday, January 18, 2009 | Reply

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