It's about our community and our spirituality!

The Best Politicians Are Hardly Folksy Politicians

Is is just me or does Alaska Governor Sarah Palin sounds like a female version of Ned Flanders, Homer Simpson’s good natured but often times overbearing Christian neighbor.  I can see the following exchange between the vice presidential debate moderated by PBS news journalist Gwen Ifill.  I can imagine Ms. Ifill saying, Governor, Senator Biden has just accused you and Senator John McCain of not being particularly honest about the positions of the Obama-Biden campaign.  Would you like to come back with an explanation?

Thankily-dank, Ms. Ifill!  I hate to be a fussy Freddy and all, but no one comes back as anything, except for Jesus as bread and blood, and that’s it.  But I’ll just have to do my best-diddily-est and I hope not to disappoint.

Oh, my-diddly-eye!  Will you look at this place!  Hi-diddly-ho there voter-eenos!  Get out the Crayolas and color me tickled pink!  Let’s thank the Lord for another beautiful day.  I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.  My opponent here, Mr. Makin’-a-mistaken, says he’s feeling a bit puckish and doesn’t understand why people think he’s as dishonest as they come.  Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, I’m stumped.  It’s pretty gosh darn obvious!

I’m here to implore some people I never met to vote for a form of government with nothing better to do but to punish an innocent man for doing something that nobody saw.  That’s right!  I’m talking about a fella having S-E-X with another fella.  Do you mind if I spill the beans?  Is that a yes?  Okily-dokily doo!

My opponent would say it’s okily-dokily to ignore the bible.  He’s a son of a diddily!  When a fella is asking another fella if he’d like to take a stroll down to the rumpus room, I say gosh darn no dice to that kind of shenanigans.  I’ve always been good.  I don’t drink or dance or swear.  I’ve even kept kosher just to be on the safe side.  I’ve done everything the bible says!  Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more can I do?  I feel like I want to yell out, but I just can’t dang-darn-diddly-do it!  Call me a nosey news neighbor but there are some things we got to stand up for else we’ll be asking, lord why have you forsaken us?  What could we have done to deserve such punishment?

So you see we got a Fozzie Bear of a problem!  If that gets your gander in a dander then I say come on over to the Republican Party shindig and strap on the feed bag of wholesome goodness and simple government.  Listen folks, there’s no magic formula.  We need to just follow the three C’s, clean living, chewing thoroughly and a daily dose of vitamin church.

I am asking you all for white hot rage and all you’re giving me a hissy fit!  And don’t expect that evil witchcraft called science for answers.  I hate to go all suspicious aloyisus on you, but science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends!  I say there are some things we don’t want to know! Important things!  Harry Potter, and all his wizard friends, are going straight to hell for practicing witchcraft.  And golly gee whiz if that doesn’t put the shaz in shazam.  The bible says to cast thy food upon the waters but if you choose my opponent all you’ll get is soggy bread.

Well, neighbor-eenos, I guess this is good-bye.  I better make this quick or I’m going to start blubbering like a baby.  In times like these, I usually to turn to the Bible for solace, but even the good book can’t help us now.  You can’t put a price on a miracle.  And right now our miracle is you.  Well anywhodilly-doodle, you folks have a goodnight.  Oh!  And before I forget, I made some Rice Krispies Squares.  Make sure you grab a bite before you venture home.

Some Republican political candidates bend over backwards to try and make themselves look as folksy and down to earth as possible with eye winks to the camera and shout outs to the children at some elementary school in a far off obscure corner of nowhere.  That’s folksy and down to earth alright.  The last time I saw somebody from the Republican Party being so folksy was George W. Bush.  The eldest son of the forty first President George H. W. Bush used his countrified, heavily Texas influenced swagger and accent to boost his down home appeal.  We rejected an intellect and future Nobel Peace prize winner, former Vice President Al Gore, so we can have our country led by a man who can represent any buffoon next door.  And where has it gotten us?

The United States is broiled in two military conflicts that threaten our national security.  Our national debt has just topped the ten trillion dollar mark and has probably increased another million or two just since you’ve started reading this past sentence.  The number of people losing their jobs is reaching epidemic proportions.  The number of people losing money for investing in the mortgage fueled scams of the United States is reaching pandemic proportions.  Oil, food, healthcare, education, and everything else have increased in cost while wages continue a downward spiral towards relative poverty.  In the global money market the value of the dollar is reaching parity with the Mexican peso.  The stock market looks like a well used General Motors crash test dummy.  And the housing market is down like a Ford Maverick with four flat tires.

The last thing I need is another local yokel who is promoting his or her self to be just like the average joe six pack.  I think it’s time to give somebody who can actually think about causes and affects a shot at the national stern.  I think it’s time we actually put someone in charge that is able to understand that for every political action there is likely to be an equal and opposite political reaction.  I don’t need another President who thinks like the common joe.  I think we need a President who is wiser than the average joe.

At one time, we used to respect the office of the presidency and his cabinet so much that we did our best to send the absolute best candidate among us to lead the country.  Now, too many of us think it’s actually better to have somebody who represents the most average candidate as our President.  Want to spell potato?  Don’t forget that “e” on the end.

Thanks, but no thanks to that wannabe President that will lead us to nowhere.  You can keep you folksy, Howdy Doody, looking like cousin Jessie, Silver Dollar City rejects who can whittle wooden bear statues out of a tree stump while whistling dueling banjo tunes in between spits of chewing tobacco.  You can keep your Republican Party down homey neighbors who think nothing of winking an eye into the camera with Daisy Duke charm and Mary Ann flair.  I’d rather have a President who is the smartest and the most focused on getting us out of the mess that the last average joe six pack has made for us.  Make my President the best of the best, not the folksiest of the folksy.

As President George W. Bush tried to say once, “Down in Texas we have a saying.  You may have heard it before.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice.  You can’t fool me again.”  Regardless if it’s the correct version or George Bush’s, I’m beginning to think too many people are just too willing to get scammed by joe six pack politicians again.

Monday, October 6, 2008 - Posted by | John McCain, Life, Republicans, Sarah Palin, Thoughts


  1. It’s these same people that think we live in a vacuum. America isn’t the only country in the world. As much as uninformed people like to believe, there are other countries in this world, and some are just as powerful as us. I can name one that owns us.
    They, cuz it damn sho ain’t me, want somebody they can “relate” too, even though Sarah Palin is a millionaire… Even though George Bush is a millionaire… These people think they can relate. It’s ludicrous!
    These people that they can “relate” too has made it easy for their buddies to outsource jobs. Sell our highways… or should I say toll roads… Our international docks are still not up to par with security, or should I say a whole shit load of containers don’t get checked before they enter our borders. Shit, we still have a bit ass hole in NY where the WTC used to be… all of this shit under republican rule, yet people get sidetracked by a rich governor from Alaska that can speak inarticulately…

    Comment by Damien | Monday, October 6, 2008 | Reply

  2. Thanks for the feedback Damien,

    These people claim that they can relate to these millionaires because they are so down right folksy no matter how much they flub up in interviews. Can you imagine what kind of response you’d have if you went to a job interview talking about your neighbor rearing his head and you can see his land which makes you an expert? They’d kick you out of the company so hard your clothes will be out of style by the time you stop rolling. But let it be some Republican joke from Alaska and they just look folksy. Go figure.


    Comment by brotherpeacemaker | Monday, October 6, 2008 | Reply

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