You Know Who You Are

My Friend,

Thank you so much for your kind words at this critical hour in my relationship with my partner.  First and foremost, I apologize to you.  I presented myself as someone with some social integrity.  And then something like this happens.  I know I could’ve kept it hidden.  I’m nobody and therefore nobody else had a need to know.  It’s not like I rank on anybody’s attention meter.  But I felt the need to cleanse myself the best way I could think of.  What better way than to expose myself for what I have done than to face what I’ve done on my website.  Although I have anonymity with my Peacemaker moniker, to me there is value in that name and I’d like to keep some modicum of integrity with it.

Second, I apologize to you for any way, shape, or form, my current experience relates to your past.  No one should be going through this at any time of their lives.  I know I have put my partner through hell.  The fact that I know she’s depressed, angry, hurt, and in pain alone makes me feel like crap.  The fact that I am the source of all those negative feelings only adds guilt, remorse, and shame to what I’ve done.  Regardless of which side your own experience may fall, whether it was close to what happened with me or with significant differences in the detail, I am truly sorry.

This is such a hard ordeal for the misses and I to go through.  Our communications are laced with triggers that appeal to our defense systems and we’re operating at defense readiness condition two, the setting just before the one that indicates an attack is imminent.  Conversations that start out innocent enough will take a wrong turn somewhere and we’re circling each other like gladiators looking for an opening.  For me to stay and talk doesn’t work.  To stay and simply listen doesn’t work.  To walk away doesn’t help.  To come back and finish a discussion isn’t the right thing to do either.  We talk about our inner issues and suddenly she accuses me of I’m trying to use everything I learned about her to hurt her further.  Absolutely nothing works, not even the advice from the therapist we’re using to help us rebuild.

Despite everything that has come to light in the past few days I have nothing but the highest respect for my partner.  I know that might sound oxymoronic considering I cheated.  But right now, she feels that a lot of what I’m doing is some sign that I’m trying to insult her intelligence.  I feel very helpless.  And out of exasperation and exhaustion with our inability to move out of our anguish and misery, I will give up and will want to shut down and wallow in anguish and misery.  Very little is working and all we’re doing is hurting each other more.  Everything takes on an exaggerated significance.  The slightest eye movement is a dismissive eye roll.  Intent to mock is behind every gesture.  And I’m truly at my wits end.

I made this mess and I should be willing to do everything I can to work this out with my partner.  However, I know I sometimes may act in a way that can be perceived to be contrary to our reconcilement.  I truly would like for us to get back to something that we can recognize as our space with each other.  But right now we’re like two bulls in two different china shops.  I’m in her china shop and she’s in mine.  And even when we’re trying to get out, to keep from doing more damage, it is inevitable that more damage is done.

I don’t understand some of our conversations.  I understand that honesty is the best policy now.  I’m trying to rebuild trust and I have no other intent than to be trustworthy.  I understand that I have to be open and respond to her questions.  But when I’m being asked about details that are pretty clear to me that they can only hurt our relationship further then I feel we really do have a problem and the question is just the tip of a greater iceberg lurking beneath, looking to sink the boat that represents the condition of our relationship.  Our therapist is trying to help us with this.  But we will agree with him in his office.  As soon as we step out of his door we revert back to old behaviors.  It’s as if the visit was just a waste.

Every single day is a struggle right now.  I know that this is going to be something we will be dealing with for a very long time and we need help getting the right tools to hammer through the barriers that keep us from getting something that resembles civility.  I don’t want to continue to counter my remorse with bouts of anger.  But it is so hard when I feel like I am without any chance for redemption.

Somehow we will make it through the rest of this day.  Tomorrow we will wake up and start this whole ordeal over again.  We will wake up and go through the motions of trying to put us back together.  One day, somewhere along the way, we might be able to make a dent in the chaos that has become us.  It just won’t happen soon enough.

Thanks again for your words.  They really meant a lot to me.  Sincerely, your friend…

Peace