The Day After

*** Ring ***

*** Ring ***

Come on Jerry pick up!

*** Ring ***

Hello?

Hey Jerry it’s me Mike.

Mike who?

Don’t play stupid you’re not fuckin’ funny.

It’s not even six yet. Why are you calling me so early on a Saturday?

I fucked up last night.

Oh yeah? What’s her name?

Don’t be a fuckin’ schmuck! Can’t you get serious for one fucking second?

So you don’t know her name?

For crying out loud!

Okay! Relax. I’m up. What happened?

I was down at the club last night. You know the Laugh Factory?

Yeah I’ve been there. I know the place. What’s up?

There were a couple niggers in the crowd. They got rowdy and I had to put them in their place.

What happened? You didn’t pull that gun out did you? I told you that shit was going to get you in trouble. Tell me you didn’t draw that gun!

Naw, naw, naw, I didn’t do anything like that. These black guys were heckling me. Getting into my shit you know. So I told them to shut up.

Okay Mike, you didn’t call me about having to tell a couple of blacks to shut up. What happened?

Okay. Look, I was on stage and I called one of them a nigger.

You did what? Hold a second. (muffled noises) Now tell me what happened.

I just told you.

WELL FUCKIN’ TELL ME AGAIN GOD DAMNIT!

I was up on stage and a couple of monkeys started razzing me and I told them to shut the fuck up and I called them niggers.

While you were on stage?

Yeah.

Of all the stupid… Were the cameras rolling?

You mean the house cameras? Naw they weren’t rolling.

Good.

But somebody had one of those goddamn camera phones.

You got caught on a cell?

Yeah.

For fucking crying out loud.

What? You think you feel bad. I’m the one that got pegged on tape.

Hey you’re right! Why the hell am I getting bothered?

Look, the newspapers all over this. Somehow they got word and they’re already trying to get an interview or something. Some guys from the paper called me about a couple of hours ago asking for a comment. I told him to kiss my ass.

Well why do something different when it worked so fucking well the first time?

They’re calling this thing the Seinfeld rant.

What the hell? How did my name get on your dumb ass shit?

People think we’re buddies or something. You know? Like on the show. I’m not Mike Richards I’m fucking Cosmo Kramer. I’m a character on Seinfeld. It’s not fucking hard to figure out.

I know dumb ass. I was being fucking rhetorical!

Look, don’t start with me. I’ve been up all fucking night about this shit.

Over a couple of porch monkeys.

Yeah, over a couple of goddamn porch monkeys.

Are you on any drugs?

Yeah you know how I like to party.

Not that shit dumb ass anything legal. Did the doc prescribe anything?

Naw, nothing I could pin this shit on. I’m taking some blood pressure shit. Ativan or Xanax or some shit like that for depression. But I haven’t used it in a while though. I think my depression might be creeping back up on me though.

No shit.

You know what? I don’t need no fucking lip from you Seinfeld.

What you’re going to call me a nigger and tell me to shut up as well?

I knew calling you would be a big fucking mistake.

Look Mike. They’re only black people. Nobody gives a shit. It’ll blow over.

I don’t know Jerry. I got pretty mad up there.

What all did you say?

I really don’t remember Jerry!

Well, what did they say?

It’s not what they said it was their attitude.

Well god damnit, what the fuck did they do?

They came in right in the middle of my opening monologue. Instead of being quiet they started ordering drinks.

The audacity of somebody ordering drinks in a club.

They weren’t just ordering drinks. They were loud. They were intentionally trying to make me look bad.

And that’s when you told them to shut up.

Fucking niggers. If they’d just stay where they belong none of this would’ve ever happened.

Well if all you did was call them niggers it’ll blow over. Black people expect that shit from white people.

I don’t know Jerry. I may have said a couple more things. I don’t remember right now.

Relax. The worse that’ll happen is you’ll apologize.

To niggers? You gotta be kiddin’ me.

What’s wrong with that?

They’re fuckin’ niggers. They need to be apologizing to me.

For what? Ordering drinks in a club?

You had to be there.

If what you tell me is true I’ll probably see it on the internet for myself in a matter of hours. Hell, it’s probably there already.

I don’t care I’m not apologizing.

Yes you are.

Oh no I’m not!

YES YOU FUCKING ARE!! Look Mike! I don’t know who the fuck you think you’re talking to but you’re going to apologize. Say no if you want but you are going to fucking apologize. You don’t have to apologize to the blacks but you have to apologize to the public for being such a dumb fuck to put our shit out there like this. Everybody knows black people are niggers. But you have to do it on stage and on film. Don’t fucking tell me you’re not going to apologize! You are if I have to put my goddamn foot through this fucking phone and stomp your ass silly! You will apologize!

Look Jerry…

No you fucking look! David Letterman owes me one. I’ll get on his show in a couple of days. I’ll schmooze the crowd, put everybody at ease about this shit, and you’ll come out and apologize.

Jerry I don’t want to get on stage again. There might be some niggers out there in the audience just waiting for me.

Then you’ll do it by satellite. It’s no big deal.

Jerry listen I…

No you stupid little shit, you listen. You’re going to apologize. You get heckled and go off the deep end it all ends up on my doorstep. You do this or you’ll never work again. I’m tired of your shit!

Jerry I wanted…

Who gives a shit what you want? Tell me something. Does this sound like a negotiation?

*** Click ***

Jerry I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. God I need a drink. Where’s my freakin’ Xanax?